Released From Hell

Phew. Well, after Day 11 on Cymbalta, I was back. The world no longer seemed a living hell - a place I looked desperately for an escape from. I was getting so desperate. Gathering old meds and keeping them stashed in my bedside table, just in case. And living, after all, is the goal of all this isn't it? Now I can move on to Living Well. A goal I'm taking on very slowly. First I have to figure out what that means for me. I'm just enjoying the feeling of being in a safe place for now.

Thank you all for your kind comments. I'm so grateful for each one, it makes me feel so much less alone in this.

Do any of you have others in your life to share your inner experiences with? I mean real-life people who know what you're going through? Who perhaps battle depression/bipolar as well? I find that the hardest part of living - feeling like I have a big secret and having no one to talk to about any of this. The people I have opened up to, really don't understand. They mean well, but it feels like they're on a different planet, it's impossible for them to relate. My counsellor is the only person I have to talk to, and I'm soooo grateful for her, and that I started up counselling again.

But as for day to day life... it's hard feeling seperate. Especially at work. It kind of feels like everyone else is part of this club... the 'normal club' perhaps, (although, believe me, I do know there's no such thing as normal, and that others have their secret troubles as well), and that I'm on the outside looking in. Never quite fitting in. That seems to be a repetitive theme throughout my life. And is mostly a result of thinking errors I'm sure. Yet, deep down I think I'm partly right. I am kind of different at a core level. Damaged I think. Unable to connect to people, and stay connected. I can connect, and often do too deeply, and then I'm backpedalling like crazy.... avoiding, putting up walls. And yet, I come across as pretty darned normal. I've done a fine job in this acting academy called life, so far.

Yet, I wonder what people at work must think of me as far as the change in mood goes. For a few months there I was steadily going down hill, quite noticably, despite my efforts..... untalkative, red eyes, avoidant, etc. etc. And then as if overnight (when my meds kick in, they really kick in) I was all smiles and cheer, joking around as per the old coco. That must have seemed pretty strange. And I did try to tame it down as much as I could, but DAMN it felt good to be rid of that heavy weight! I felt like kissing everyone I was so releived!

Anyway, it feels good to have the time to write a bit this morning. The 3 older kids are with their Dad for a few days now, so it's just me and my little big girl who just turned 4. Who is still snoozing away might I add! Ah ...time to myself with a coffee and my lappie! A rare luxury! Now off to read a few of your blogs. Life is good.

Me in the arms of my big brother... a picture that always makes me feel loved :)

Soul Suckers

I'm sorry if I'm not commenting on people's comments, like I used to. Please know that I'm very appreciative of the kindness and energy it takes to do so. It really does help to feel that connnection, so thanks.

I've relented and started up the Cymbalta. Day 2 of it today. I can report very few changes so far except an increase in anxiety. An increase in anxiety, yet less of an inclination to get angry. I'm a bit more subdued that way. That makes no sense, but trust me, it does to me. There's an element of fear to the anxiety. Maybe fear is always present in anxiety; does anyone else think they go hand in hand?

My decision to go back on an AD was painful, but rather simple. No, I do not want to go this route. But after much introspection and hairpulling have finally come to the conclusion that this is what's best for my kids. I'm losing ground with each day that passes, and I can't be guaranteed of a lift out of this with any of the alternative ways of dealing with depression. They all take more time than I have. The one's I've tried so far haven't done a damn thing, and I've been trying them for months. (excercise, omega3's and light therapy)

At least this way I know that in a few weeks I'll be able to function; able to play with them, listen to them, cook properly for them; do all the things a healthy mom does with their children. I can't risk taking another route and failing right now. Their emotional well-being and development is at risk. This is the most demanding of all possible jobs, and I don't have the luxury of going another route. And do you know how pissed off that makes me????

Very. I love my kids dearly, so I hope in therapy I can deal with some of these feelings of resentment. I know full well that none of this is their fault. OF COURSE! And yet why do I feel resentment every time I envision someone who is able to work on their mental health without the complication of children. I feel backed against a wall. The visions I have of me participating in some sort of holistic healing plan seem like they're getting snatched out the air. Because I am NEEDED. Down here. My soul screams in rage and pain. Melodramatic aren't I? Yeah, but keep it here, no one else suspects.

I need to get well. For them, for me. And yet it seems like an impossible dream. I honestly don't think it's within my reach. Even if I do 'feel better' on those soul-sucker antidepressants... am I really healed? Yeah right. Which is why I'll stick to my counselling as well.

Well, what an uplifting post this has turned out to be.

Better insert some humourous little image. What? You're thinking it's rather bitter and sarcastic? Ah well, I'm trying.

For us, there's shopping we do in the small city where we live, and then there's shopping you save for when you go into the bigger city nearby. There's not really a whole lot of selection where we live, although it grates me to not support local business.... especially small business. Whatever. I can't let it eat me up, as that seems to not be the best choice for me right now.

So we took the drive yesterday and got some of the shopping tasks taken care of that were building on our list. Brad and I have one day off together per week, and often we spend it doing errands. Boring, I know. But I kind of take comfort and even enjoy our little jaunts about town and beyond. Our daugher does too. They're more often than not punctuated by treats like lunch out, or Timmy stops.

I overestimated things yesterday though. Not far into it, the energy I had on reserve ran completely out, and I had to stay in the car for the rest of the errands. Luckily Brad was very understanding and just took right over. Kind of make a game of it with our daughter. I love his way with her. I hadn't even the energy to talk, and was way too close to tears for comfort. Efforts to talk myself out of it failed miserably.

I'm trying not to see this as failure of me as a person, but as my body and mind just letting me know the limits of what I'm capable of during this particular depression.

How I'm going to return to work tomorrow and get through a day is beyond me. Somehow I did it last week. Not without some funny looks, not without some extreme physical exhaustion, not without retreats to the restroom to try and squeeze tears back in. I just really hope I don't have a melt down and really embarrass myself.

Maybe I need to take a week or so off until I get this under control. I don't know. In a way it kind of helps to be forced to get up, shower, dress, and fake my way through a day. It helps in one way, but it hurts in another; as in I think it's depleting my reserves.

I'll carry on for now. 6 more days and my doctor will be back.

Tired

I feel very lonely. I thought Brad was understanding of what I'm going through, and he's been acting very supportive lately, and yet..... tonight. After me working all day and him having the day off, I came home to a nice dinner and bottle of wine. Beautiful. My kids are away, our little one sleeping... time to chat over a nice glass of wine after dinner in the living room. We start talking about depression for awhile, I'm feeling like he really gets it. Talk somehow eventually leads round to my kids. I get the feeling I'm being attacked for not following through on discipline/not being firm enough. He gets hot under the color, I start tearing... he goes off to the bedroom to watch hockey. The warm, fuzzy feelings quickly evaporate. I'm left feeling abandoned, misunderstood, rejected. I'm thinking if he knew what kind of pain I'm really dealing with... he might have saved the 'kids' conversation for another time. Instead of giving me yet one more reason to doubt myself... to hate myself. And one more reason to feel that no, he really doesn't understand. Another brick in the wall I guess. I'm getting so very tired of crying. I'm getting tired of facing people at work and making up excuses as to why I seem like a totally different/unwell person. "Smile!" someone demanded of me today. I'm getting tired of the failure.

The Things You Can't Hear

I have a Word document that has become a home for quotes I've come across on depression or bipolar that strike a cord with me. The family of quotes residing there get new members on an almost daily basis. I was sitting here reading through it as I often do when I'm down (it somehow brings me comfort). and came across a few that I think I'll post here and there. Unfortunately not all of them come with a source. Oops. If I'm using anyone out there's words without giving you your due credit, I apologize. And do let me know.

I have mixed feelings on quoting. My cynical side loves the way Oscar Wilde sees it:

"Most people are other people. Their thoughts are someone else's opinions, their lives a mimicry, their passions a quotation."

But I think I'm more won over by the words of Sir Walter Raleigh....

'Expression need never be bound by the law of copyright while it follows thought, for thought, as some great thinker has observed, is free. The words were once Shakespeare's; if only you can feel them as he did, they are yours now no less than his. The best quotations, the best translations, the best thefts, are all equally new and original works'

And thus ends my quoting quotes about quoting.

I think basically it boils down to the fact that my brain really sucks wind when it comes to putting thoughts/feelings into words. Other's do it so beautifully, with apparently very little effort. Sometimes I need their help in expressing myelf. 'If only you can feel them as he did'. Yes.

Anyway, these are the words I came across today in my file, from somewhere by somebody that I thought captured the feeling of depression as I'm experiencing it.

"In remembering what I am like when severely depressed.......still maintaining the ability to do the essentials but not much else. Can wash and dress, but not socialise or really speak to anybody. Existing in a state of perpetual paranoia and self hatred, thinking, “I wouldn’t mind not being alive” as opposed to, “I want to die right now”. Checking out the ceilings for places to throw cords, feeling comforted by the medicine cabinet’s contents. Believing with quite calm conviction that everybody hates me. Still able to laugh and make jokes with very little feeling. Can still move but stop for long periods of time. Absolutely exhausted and sleeping a lot. Don’t care much, about anything. Crying often."

Yeah, it's like that. Except for the part about checking out ceilings. I do often envision the various bottles in the medicine chest, however, and they do, oddly, bring me comfort. I'm not at a point of taking those thoughts seriously, but the fact that they actually enter my mind disturbs me.

And, related to nothing other than the fact that I seem to be babbling about quotes: Winnie the Pooh. I'd like to bury my face in his furry little body right now, and thank him for these wise and comforting words....

'Don’t underestimate the power of doing nothing, of just going along and listening to all the things you can’t hear, and not bothering'

'The End'. (Not too bad of a quote either)

'Something'. Which, randomly speaking, is also one of my favorite Beatles songs.

I seem to have slowly slipped into a pit. I'm depressed. And very tired of this whole scene. Not ready to check out, or anything sensational like that. Not to worry. But in enough pain and general dysfunction to make daily living a pain in the ass, and something to be feared on a daily basis. When I don't have tears streaming down my face, I'm cynical and snappy. Not at my best you might say. The last of the Effexor is out of my system I've safely arrived at Now What. Do I trudge through this trying to climb a few rungs via Cognitive Behavioural Therapy... or maybe when I eventually get in to see my Shrink, (who's off on a 6 week medical leave and doesn't have coverage for his practice yet) ... maybe try and see if there's some other drug of choice out there that can help this ignorant brain of mine.

My Gp is even hard to get in to see. Not back till Nov. 10th. I went in to see his locum the other day, to see if I could get referred to some other shrink before the New Year, but he basically told me I'm better off sticking with my own, as I wouldn't get in any sooner. Oh, and I basically brought this on myself by going off and on my 'pills'. He seemed pretty stoked when I told him I was unwilling to restart the Effexor. He sat there reading me the statistics, and basically acting like a condescending pompous fool who doesn't know FUCK all what it's like to be on this end. I sat through the appointment glaring at him through tears, and left with a cheery 'screw you'. Quack.

We'll see what the next bit brings. It feels like I'm sliding a little further each day, but I know from experience that the skies can clear at random. This feels like it's been building a long while though, and there's a faint warning bell ringing somewhere in my head. It seems to be gently hinting that this is going to take some heavy duty 'something' to get through.

My job to figure out what the something is I guess. And somehow maintain some degree of functioning in the meantime. Not sure I'm up to that challenge.

On that cheery note, cheerio, and here's to brighter days.

Time and/or Energy Anyone?

Wow. It's been a while. Apparently my plan to carve out some time for myself is not exactly working out so far. At the end of a work day I'm finding it hard enough just to get supper done, kids tended to and into bed. I have energy only for a page or 2 of my book (always a must for me before sleep) and then it's game over. Days off? Well for one thing, they're different each week, as I'm on a 4 on 2 off rotating schedule. Same as hubby, although we managed to coordinate it so that we get one day off together per week. Anyway, it seems like things are always in the air.... juggle juggle juggle. I'm hoping I don't drop too many balls along the way.

I did manage to take a few extra days off this month, so we could continue with the camping plans we had made last year. We had reserved 4 nights at one of the provincial campgrounds on a lake, and were so looking forward to camping with my good friend and her family.

In a word or two? It sucked. Let me just say, please, that I have learned the following about myself: camping makes me crazy. I have camped all of my childhood and adult life. I have always loved it. But the past few years I can tell you that it has increasingly pushed every button in me. It makes me carrrankky! My brain feels like it's being fried, just trying to find everything, organize everything, focus on too many things at once, with too many people, and too much disorganization, and too much dirtiness, and dampness, and disgusting bathrooms, and.... oh my lord, I was so upset by it all. For the first day I didn't do so well at holding it in, with a few crying episodes, and much general explosive crankiness (no, I was not proud of my behaviour, but I swear to GOD I could not help myself)... but I managed to suck it up for the rest of the time so that everyone could get on with having a good time... but OMG!!! I was so not having one inside my head. I felt like I was going to explode. I think control has become really really important to me...

You know what I kept thinking? I kept thinking of those people who say that you always have a choice in how you act and react. That there are options... things you can do to destress and diffuse the bomb. I kept thinking that how much horseshit that was feeling to me at the time. I literally felt SO out of control at times. And while I do think it's true in a lot of cases, with a lot of people. I KNOW there are times when it just is not Truth. Period. So don't leave a comment to the contrary or I'll have to.... make you come camping with me. Ha.

Anyway, a big lesson learned. Knowledge was gained, so it wasn't all bad. And there were a few lovely moments. One was floating on my airmattress with the hot sun on my back.... arms and feet dangling in the coolish water....cheek pressed firmly into the pillow, smelling that familiar fresh summer lake smell combined with the canvassy plastic smell of the airmattress that always takes me back to childhood. Lazily chatting with my friend who was doing the same.... Then paddling like mad with her to try and get away from our children that are tring to catch us up in the dinghy! heehee.

But that was maybe the 10% good part. The other 90% was so very unenjoyable. BUT the most important part is that the kidlets had a great time overall. Despite the fact that their bicycles were stolen. Ok, I'm going to just leave this whole camping thing far behind. Enough already.

So I will be trying to become a bit more regular here. I'm thinking that when school starts up I'll have more of a chance? I sure hope so. I'm mad that I can't be here as much as I want. I miss my bloggity friends and the fun I have here. And I feel so unsupportive. And unsupported. And frustrated. Ok, must sleep.

Oh, and Preciousrock? Thank you for missing me ;) Your comments made me teary. And thanks too PJ, and anyone else who thought nice things about me. Night.

Time Management anyone?

Anyone willing to share any specifics on how the heck they manage their time when it's in short supply, I'm all ears! Actually I'm not doing too badly, but have had to pare down to basics what actually gets into a day. My priority is my kids. So any free time I have apart from working and providing them with basic care, I'm trying to put into connecting with them on an emotional level. Me sitting here typing away is not a good way of doing that, so I'm trying to limit my online time to while they're sleeping. Usually in the morning works best for me, as at night my brain is often fried. Unfortunately this means that I'm missing all of you! So I have to remember that the things that are meaningful to me (like being here) must play a role too in the scheme of things in order to maintain some balance. So if I take care of myself and get to bed early etc. this should all work out for the most part. It's just a matter of getting into a routine I suppose.

Being at work has been really great for me so far. I find it's stimulated my brain immensely, just being around energy, excitement and activity.... people! As much as I'm a hermit when I'm depresessed, I really do need people to keep me happy. It's so good for me. And the fact that this is a new facility, and the increasing energy of slowly admitting residents and the place starting to hum a little more each day.... it's really great. I'm working with a super positive group of people. AND doing a lot of organizational tasks, which is right up my ally. There's also a bit of room for creativity and problem-solving.

I realize that once the shine wears off this 'starting a new job', that things may take a turn, as in when the dreaded FALL approaches so I'm trying to think ahead. I think I may invest in one of those light therapy things you sit under. Any experience with those? Suggestions on where to buy one? And maybe I'll start up my Omega 3's again just to be on the safe side. I'm still on 37.5 of Effexor and have decided to remain on that until I feel the desire to decrease... whenever that will be. I have the my emotions back, that's all I care about for now, and I don't want to rock the boat when I have so much at stake.

Well, off to hopefully catch up on some of your blogs.... I feel horrible that I haven't been able to comment on all your posts, but I'm trying :) I really don't want anyone to feel like I'm letting them down, because I do care.

I'll leave you with one of my Lucy's favorite jokes right now:

Q: Why did the chicken cross the playground?

A: To get to the other slide! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA....... ;)

....but it pours

I know everyone must be dying to know how my mood has been lately, so I'm here to report that it has been as normal as normal can be. I'm feeling eerily centred, and calm lately; so much so that, even though I'm soaking all this normal right up, I'm a little suspicious at the same time.

I was half expecting the sleepless nights and constant caretaking of late to catch up with me, and send me for a header. Didn't happen.

And today has been one big ball of stressful situations, yet here I am near midnight, all serenity. I think I might be overtired. Maybe I'm 'over' everthing, to the point of being numbed out a bit.

I started work today. Had to leave my precious darlings with someone else all day. That was pretty darned hard. Work was hard. I think I sprained my brain. And my hip. Can you sprain a hip?

I started my period today. Does anyone else's body feels like it weighs about double, and like you're trying to move this mass of a double-weighing body through thick sludge? Just wondering. (Although I feel like quite a wimp compared to what some people have to endure each month, I know I've got it pretty easy).

My step-daughter (Brandy, 16) has come to stay for 10 days today. This was sprung on me at the last minute (like last night as I'm trying to organize the kids beach bags etc. for the sitter in the morning) , as my husband claims he 'hasn't had a chance' to discuss it with me.

The step-daughter and I? We do not get along. She has lived with us for the past 3 years until recently, and I was just getting used to her not being here. She is a big-time trigger for my mood shifts, and I am hoping I can use every trick in my bag to keep an emotional distance and not go there.

My son is mad at me. His father (my ex) and I were having a phone conversation about him in which we were fretting over the group of kids he is hanging out with lately, and in particular his girlfriend. Some things were said that we would have refrained from saying in his presence.

He was on the other extention listening to the whole thing.

I found out after I hung up, at which point we had a long discussion and he cried a lot. He was very hurt. He should not have been eavesdropping and he got a lecture on that. Waters were smoothed. Somewhat. I'm worried about him. 14 is scary.

Please forgive me if I don't come by your blog in the next few days. Or if I do, and not comment. I'm feeling a need to draw into myself a bit and maintain my centre.

Have I told you lately that I think you're wonderful and I'm glad we're bloggity friends? I do. And I am.

I think the Tylenol is finally starting to kick in.... nighty night.

By Your Side

Sade - By Your Side
Uploaded by sayit

"Since 1984, Sade has made a career out of crooning smoky romantic odes; her first single in eight years is no different. Over a sharply produced, folksy groove, the Brit chanteuse crafts a guitar-driven declaration of resolute affection. As comforting as the love it describes". Craig Seymour

Lyrics

I feel this song in my gut.

After I had my firstborn Jordy, I had severe post-partum depression. I was medicated, and so began my journey into motherhood. I used to rock him to sleep in his little bedroom during his first year or so. I was often tense, and desperately wanting him to go to sleep. He was a very intense and perceptive little guy who picked up on my vibes very easily. The thought soon crossed my mind that we both needed some music to relax. He had a little Fisher Price tape recorder, and I searched our collection of cassettes to find something that was slow and sleepy. (Going out and buying a lullaby tape was not an option, as we were barely able to make ends meet at that time). So I came across our Sade 'Lovers Rock' cassette, and it became his 'bedtime music'. It became so familiar and comforting to both of us. Most of the songs were true lullaby magic.

Tonight, I had just drifted off in bed when my younger son Drake started crying. He's still unwell from 'The Virus', and his sleep is troubled. He suffers from night terrors where he talks to me and cries about things, but is not awake at all. I usually have to bring in a cold cloth and gently wake him up; sometimes it takes awhile. He was frightened when he finally settled down, so I decided to climb up onto his top bunk and snuggle him back to sleep.

I rustled the covers around to get them just right, and settled into the silence; only, right... he sleeps with his radio playing softly to that channel that plays 'love songs' at night. The sounds of Sade's rich, comforting voice drifted up to me, and I instantly felt myself smiling sleepily and snuggling even deeper into Drake's back. Listening...and thinking...and feeling.

As well as bring back memories of that difficult, yet deeply tender time, this song also represents to me the kind of woman I'm striving to become. The strong inner core I'm trying to develop... this woman is so self-assured; she has a natural, strong, inner beauty. And a huge capacity for love. When I listen to it, the core of me feels full and content, yet I feel the heavy, bittersweet tug of yearning; It feels very strongly like this is my soul yearning for the woman in here I have yet to find and love.

Boost

The need for silence is gone, thanks for helping me regain my balance! Not sure what that was all about and haven't had a lot of time for reflection, so I'll have to put it to one side for now. I know I was furiously mad at myself, very agitated etc etc. It gets boring sometimes repeating the same old list of symptoms. I know that this morning and yesterday I have been very 'active' so not sure, but may be headed towards hypomania after this relatively long stretch of hypomania which then turned to baseline/normal for the last while.

I have a very strong suspicion that the support and kind words I recieve here are making a huge difference in heading off bad things. I know I didn't have enough support in my life before, due to shutting people out and basically emotionally cocooning. This is big for me, and I consider myself so, so lucky to have found all of you here.

Drake is still not able to go to school because of his mouth pain and fever. It's the Herpes Virus.. mouth version of course... which in it's initial outbreak in children can be absolutely horrendous, with sores all throughout the mouth, fever, vomiting. This is my third child now with this as Jord had it when he was the same age. And that's what Lucy just got over. I'm suspecting they picked it up from my Mom who get's the odd outbreak of cold sores so must be a carrier of the virus. Don't tell here though, she'd feel mortified that she was the root of such pain and suffering! ;) Must run & get more 'Boost' for the invalid.

Mom & Drake last Christmas

Silence

Woke up struggling. The fog is coming, and I think if only my bathrooms are clean, so I attack one of them with a vengeance, then give up. It's clean, it feels good, but it's not enough. My brain buzzes. It short-circuits. It must have been god's plan that I can't attend the party my sister is throwing for my son and all the nearby birthdays. I wouldn't be able to cope. Can't attend because of Drake's virus. They (Jordy and Tasha) are with their dad this weekend anyway, and he made sure Jord had a good birthday breakfast etc. etc. I'm the 'spare' parent lately it seems. Only good enough to tend to sick kids. But before my sister's party my ex and gf brought Jordy and Tasha over so we could give him his bd gift. He was happy. Tasha was teary... not enough sleep from all the dance craziness. I felt inadequate. Spacey. Yet urgent. I just want to sit. Movement makes me unsettled and anxious. My brain lags behind. Everybody has brains which is a thought that freaks me out sometimes. 'No Lucy, mommy can't take you outside right now. Daddy? Daddy's at work remember? He'll be home when you're in bed. Tomorrow Daddy will be home all day, and he can take you to the park. Mommy will come too, it will be fun!' Right now is too loud. Jazz talked about this. Why can't everything come with an off button. The dishwasher...whoosh whoosh whoosh whoosh... the t.v. hahaha blah blah hahaha... eeek...blah blah.... my son....why do I have to miss the party... my daughter natter natter natter natter natter. I could off the tv but I need it to take the pressure off me right now. My daughter's requests are driving me bananas. Can I have this can i have that. The messes that need tending to immediately. Can I watch my boo's clues movie, no mom i hate blue's clues it's for baby's - how about spider man? The requests, the questions, the requests, the questions... when I just want to hide. Everything has layers of gauze over it, maybe it's the brain that's wrapped in gauze. Yet some things penetrate too well. The perky look on the brighter side stupid bitch can go to hell. (me not you) I hate her right now. Dumbass Pollyanna. She just doesn't feel the real pain that's there, so what the flip does she know. Yet maybe she'll be back tomorrow, she does helps me survive. The show must go on right? And it's almost bedtime. I can sleep this away. Hopefully. At least there'll be some silence.

14

Happy 14th Birthday Jordy!

You will never know

how much you have impressed

this mother who has tried

and tried

to understand you

you are your own universe

yet you make mine

so complete

the joy

the sunshine
the quirky humour

you love your family

so much

your siblings

your tea

your friends

your 'get togethers'

Love has a good home

in you

this mother

the many doubts and fears

I carry

yet I know you understand me

on a level that know one

ever

has

You

are beautiful.

I love you Jojo

Happy Birthday

Love Mom xox

How I Spent My Saturday

I always think that other people lead a much more exciting life than I do. It's one of those things I always catch myself thinking, and then try to correct. As in 'I'm sure there's SOME poor souls out there with as boring a life as me'. Maybe it's all an illusion that everyone else is having a better time. I really don't DISLIKE the life I lead... I actually find it comforting and satisfying in many ways.

I suppose it's simply that I fear judgement. Like I SHOULD be doing this or that. Even without sick kids, I tend to minimize the things I do; I think it's a safety thing. Like trying to minimize the possibility that something will trigger a depression. I'm shaking that internal critic more and more, but really I'm still my own worst judge. And in small ways I think I'm actually trying to spread my wings a bit more, but I don't like to be pushed.

So how did I spend my Saturday? Doing the same few things over and over again! Even I was starting to numb out from the monotonous repitition. These things included: fetching drinks from the kitchen, fetching food from the kitchen, playing on the laptop, reading to Lucy and Drake, putting in kid's movies, fetching drinks from the kitchen, fetching food from the..... you get the idea. Poor guy is still in high fever mode, so it was just drinks for him. And of course he wants me to be physically close - like in the same room. Lucy is a bottomless pit today, and I seemed to be craving all kinds of bad things which I guiltily indulged in. I think it was the boredom.


I'm missing Tasha's Dance Recital today. I feel like such a horrible parent. Luckily her Dad and brother Jordy, and lots of other relatives are there to make her feel special. I'll get to see the DVD, but obviously it's not the same. I hope she forgives me some day. I did get to do her stage makeup for the rehearsals and studio pictures earlier this week, so at least I was a part of it somehow. I dislike seeing little girls in makeup, but I think it turned out ok... it's just a part of being a performer I guess. Too bad the camera and/or camera operator kind of sucks :s



So that was my day. Here's the sickey's visual update. Still very hot. Still very horizontal. But at least he has Teddy. Aka, Tedward. He said today, 'Mom, don't you feel sorry for me that I missed my field trip on Friday?' lol. Yes, indeed I do, as it was Beach Day. The whole school closes down and they spend the day at a local beach. Tasha got to go though. Hopefully she won't rub it in his face later on (in classic sibling rivalry style ;)

Sick Pictures

^ Day 0 - A trip to the 'playpark' makes a happy happy girl ^

^Day 1 - Starting to feel a bit 'yucky'- the nail picking increases^

^Day 2-8 - Miserable. Not even her beloved blue & yellow blanket ('bing') can bring comfort...^

^Day 9 - A bit perkier; out of jammies at least, and back to picking out her own interesting style combos^

^Cool^

^Cooler^

^Hot^

^Hotter^

To be continued....

Stay tuned for the next episode, in which the answer to the burning question: 'Will Drake regain his cool?' is reveiled. (and stop groaning, I've heard enough of that lately)

Generations

Thanks p.j. , that was a fun distraction!

You Belong in Generation X

You fit in best with people born between 1961 and 1981. You are fun, laid back, and very independent. You are willing to take risks and live your life however you see fit. You are casual, accepting, and friendly. You see everyone as your equal.

What Generation Do You Belong In?

Sickness

Warning: This post may contain trace amounts of whine.

Reasons I Have Not Been Visiting Your Blog or I am exhausted because:

• i have been dealing with a sick 3 yo girl for 7 days.
• she has not eaten anything in seven days, and what she has drank (drinken? drunk?), has been syringed into her mouth (too painful to consume anything, gross virus). She has just started eating today. Crackers.
• i am tired of people telling me to 'be careful she doesn't get dehydrated'. We are in close contact with our GP who has seen her twice, and informed us at what point to take her to emerg for rehydrating.
• i am sleep deprived due to waking numerous times during the night to console said child when there is nothing in my power with which to console her.
• while she is now on the mend, i have been listening to temper tantrums pretty much non-stop except for 5-10 minute breaks, from the moment she woke up until now. As I speak she is screaming in my ear, and it is taking all my willpower to keep talking and not react in poor judgement.
• while I have tremendous compassion and sympathy for her plight, I am now, after 7 days, at the point of having tremendous compassion and sympathy for mine.
• i went to 8 hours of work orientation yesterday (lucy stayed home with daddy who she loves just as much as me, even when sick THANK GOODNESS), and came home so mentally exhausted due to information-overload, I thought my brain was going to buzz right out of my ears and eyes. It literally hurt.
• there has been a lot of required running around this week, as it is my 9yo daughter's 'crazy week' with Dance. The one where there's 2 days of dress rehearsals, one day of photo's, followed by 1 recital the first night, and 2 on the following day, Saturday. I haven't been able to take part in all this, but the mere coordinating of when I can, and when I can't, and who will get her here for this, and who will pick her up for that, and if they can possibly pick up my 14 yo son, who is at his friend's house across town, and oh shoot it's 3:20 and I have to put sick child in stroller and pick up 7 yo old from the bus stop as I don't have the car and.........
• although hubby helps out where he can, the reality is that he works full time, and we can all only be stretched so far and so thin.

On the brighter side....

• school is almost out, which will bring an end to the madness called June.
• my daughter is eating crackers!!
• i'm looking forward to watching the dance show on Saturday.
• my mood is stable
• the sun is shining!
• i'm excited about starting work in a few weeks

AND...

• the 39.5 fever my 7yo son Drake woke up with this morning? it's down a half degree. :)

bring me to life

If only my dreams were that bland. Nice thought though...

Instead, last night I dreamed that my aunt (gone 3 years now) reappeared at a family gathering. Apparently she came back to life because she was not, in fact, all the way dead. She did however come back more impaired. One side of her face was sagging as if from a stroke, and badly scarred. And one of her hands was a stump...basically she was kind of zombie-ish and gross. THEN, while browsing about the web this morning, I came across the image below, out of nowhere. I could understand if I dreamed it BECAUSE of the image, but I didn't. Freaky. And kind of funny (the image, not the dream) because I have a sick sense of humour like that.

57 things i really really like

Inspired by Jazz & Shiv


1. the smell of the ocean (smells like home)
2. artistic ironwork
3. reading obituaries
4. old people's stories
5. my cast iron frying pan
6. Books! (and bookshelves)
7. evanescence - amy lee's voice hits me in the gut
8. people with a sick sense of humour
9. satire/parody
10. monty python
11. square necklines
12. local history
13. black & white photos
14. my morning coffee (cream & sugar please) while checking in on news & blogs
15. shoulder/neck massages
16. brainteasers
17. teasers
18. optical illusions
19. crab!!
20. black licorice icecream
21. bike rides - esp. alone
22. that just shaved feeling
23. that sensation upon waking sometimes when you feel the heavy weight of having slept really deeply
24. garage sales
25. blue & white china, like jazz
26. hypomania
27. being a nonsmoker (for the last time) for 5 months
28. old movies (Bette Davis, I love you)
29. a well laid table (I appreciate it, but haven't attempted it)
30. carnations....their fresh, cinammony smell
31. going to bed with a good book
32. first-time sex
33. the sweet things kids say that jab you in the heart
34. a relaxing deck for sitting out on on warm summer evenings
35. rum & coke
36. vintage ads
37. peach cider
38. camping
39. good red wine
40. reese's peanut butter cups
41. skor blizzards
42. running my hand over my son's shiny head of hair
43. smelling my kids' freshly washed hair
44. being hugged from behind
45. vintage pretty much anything
46. the sound of rain
47. clean floors/carpets (a rarity)
48. feeling inspired to do something creative
49. the smell of sandalwood
50. warm sand nestling a cool body
51. black cat bubble gum
52. bags (I've been called a baglady on more than one occasion, sometimes just a bag)
53. reorganizing (see #26)
54. Enigma (brings back fond memories of.... well let's just say it was 'background music' a fair bit during my 20's)
55. the relationships I'm developing in the mental health blogosphere
56. when my hubby gladly goes to the store at night because I mention having a craving for something :) (see # 40. also #41.)
57. making people happy
    

Incense? Really?

MyDepressionConnection.com posted this article, which I found fascinating:
Incense may calm anxiety, depression
By Amy Norton Thursday, Jun. 12, 2008; 3:26 AM

NEW YORK (Reuters Health) - If the scent of burning incense helps you relax, a new animal study may help explain why.

In mice, scientists found, a component of frankincense appears to activate particular brain pathways to calm anxiety- and depression-related behavior.

Frankincense is an aromatic tree resin that has been used in religious ceremonies for millennia in the Middle East and Europe.

Now the new findings suggest a particular frankincense constituent, incensole acetate, could stand as a "novel" antidepressant/anti-anxiety agent, the study's lead researcher told Reuters Health.

"Our results in animal models suggest that incensole acetate and its derivatives can be of value in the treatment of these disorders," said Dr. Arieh Moussaieff, of the Hebrew University of Jerusalem in Israel.

What's more, he and his colleagues report in the FASEB Journal, the findings implicate a new brain pathway in the regulation of depression and anxiety. The study showed that, when injected into mice, incensole acetate affects activity in a protein known as TRPV3.

In the skin, TRPV3 helps the body perceive warmth, but its role in the brain is poorly understood. This study suggests that, at least in mice, TRPV3 plays some part in regulating depression and anxiety -- and, Moussaieff said, could serve as a new target for drug therapy.

However, he added, "this claim is based on animal models, and more work should be done before it can be established in humans with certainty."

There are, of course, many antidepressants and anti-anxiety drugs out there, Moussaieff and his colleagues note. But new options, with fewer side effects, are still needed, they say. (ya think?)

Moussaieff said his team will continue studying incensole acetate derivatives to try to design new medications with a lower risk of side effects.

SOURCE: The FASEB Journal, online May 20, 2008.

Any incence-burning bloggers out there?

ATTACK OF THE WORRIES!

Possible Reason's I'm Edgy:

• 2 cream-filled doughnuts after supper. The little girl next door came over bearing a box of Tim Horton's. Sweet sweet girl.

• I'm still hypomanic. Need I expound on this? ;)
• My father called, drunk, offering money. This always makes me edgy, as I never know what to say. Sometimes I say 'call me when you're sober', sometimes I agree to the offer and then feel guilty later. I don't know what to do this time. We need the money. But obviously I feel that it crosses a line with me. Long story. Alcoholic fathers are a pain in the ass and the source of much grief. Maybe you know this.
• My husband is a nurse. So what you say? Sometimes I get all freaked out because he works with so many women.
• I've been offered a full-time job. It came looking for me. Well, my old boss did, who now works for a new company. I've done this kind of work as 'sanity break' work when the kids were younger...first marriage... not sure I want to go back to it (the work, not the marriage lol). I have a B.A., I should be using it for goodness sake! *sigh* But it's 3 blocks away and the pay is more than decent. I may just take it for those reasons alone.
• Freaked out about the complicated lining up of child care and rearranging of things this would entail.
• Really freaked out about leaving my 3 year old, Lucy, with anyone. Major abandonment/attachment issues of my own rear their ugly heads. Plus she's so very attached to hubby and I. We're her world.
• Worried about when and if I'll crash. Will I be able to outrun depression? Will I be able to function through a job if it catches up with me? Will I be able to cope with the normal demands of juggling a job/kids/family even? I've done it before, but it seems so long ago, and things were really very different. Amazing how when kids get older their schedules get so much more complicated and time-consuming...in a different way than when they're younger. Lots more running around. Much more juggling. And of course my mental/emotional state has become much more difficult to control/predict.
• Pdoc appt. tomorrow. Mom has offered to make a day of it with me. It's a 2.5 hour drive one way. Should be fun, actually, as we havent had a day out together in forever. And we have family there to visit (our original hometown, well, city). Nervous about the doctor's appt. though. Why, I don't know. Not even sure why I'm going except he said he wanted to see me in 3 weeks. He knows I'm not taking the Lamictal and am tapering the Effexor. I'm just feeling all scrambled about the visit. Pdocs = drugs to me, so if I'm not going to do the drugs any more, why does he want to see me? Maybe I'm off base.
• I'm feeling confused. And now teary. I think I need to sleep, but am so wired. Maybe some crosswords.
• As my effexor is slowly decreasing, I'm realizing that I'm still grieving my failed marriage. I have a huge pile of grief there to process. I still love him. and still hate him, and still.... lots to work through. And it's been 5 years.

The worries may attack once in a while, but I still have perspective. I'm fine. This is normal life kind of stuff, and I'm capable of taking it all on. As long as I remain stable. I am so eager to remain stable, I almost feel desperate. I need to just relax. Breathe. Be.

Illusion

This song somehow both saddens and comforts me...



VNV Nation's Illusion
Thanks to sf jane for bringing it to my attention :)

Lithiated Lemon Soda Anyone?

I love all things vintage. Here's an interesting collection of older remedies from The Bonkers Institute: Truly Marvelous Mental Medicine: Early Remedies . Click the images if you'd like to see much more detail

Just For The Pun Of It

Get it? Just fo.. ok. I'll leave well enough alone. Those who know me, know that I can't resist a good pun; the cornier the better. That's just me, I love wordplay. So, you can imagine how tickled I was to come across this article on The 50 Best Pun Stores. Check it out; I'm sure there'll be some chuckles in store for you. Hee. (I can hear you groaning in agony already!)

hypomania coming in handy

I've been finding it hard to write lately. Not because I've been down, but because of lack of opportunity, coupled with unsureness on what to write and how to do it. Not that there isn't subject matter, but I'm not a natural writer, and wish I was. I adore the written word so much, that it's almost like blasphemy letting myself at a blank page. It's mediocre and I know it. I wish I didn't know it; ignorance is bliss. I guess I have some perfectionist tendencies that I need to tame. Because I do need to communicate (which is hard enough at best), and not doing something because you can't do it perfectly is really, really, silly. *sigh* Intellectually I do know this.

The lack of opportunity part goes like this: hubby has had pneumonia. A chest cold gone bad. Probably due to stress. It's been a very stressful past month for him, poor guy. As a result, for the past week he's been out of commission. Watching a lot of Seinfeld reruns.

So. I guess I'm realizing how much he really does help out around here. I've been running my tail off trying to keep up with the daily domestic demands (I love alliterations too, Susan!). It's like when husbands go away for a while, and the wife says 'gee, now I now what it would be like to be a single parent'. Yeah kind of like that. Only I know what it's like to be a single parent, and this isn't anywhere near as hard on many, many levels.

But still, time consuming and physically draining to wear the many hats required throughout the day to keep my 4 mop tops happy & healthy. Laundry anyone? And I swear keeping them fed is a full-time job in itself. And why didn't anyone tell me how much teenagers ask to be chauffeured around? And? Did no one inform my 3 year old that she is no longer 2, and that tantrums are so last year???? I'm tired. I need coffee. BUT! The good news? I've been successfully keeping hold of this hypomania. Except for a minor dip the day of, and the day after the Garage Sale. That was just too much stress right there. STRESS, I tell you. But I'm still hummin' so I'm very grateful. I can't imagine coping if I was anything but. Yes, actually I can. It would be called NOT coping. Don't care to recall what that's like at the moment, thanks.

And I must tell you that knowing you guys are all right here, living in my laptop is oh so comforting. Knowing I can steal a few minutes here and there to check up on you all and leave the odd comment - connecting - is becoming a really important part of my life. It's a lifeline of sorts. A real comfort. Thank you for being here!

Flowers & Head Banging

Yay Day 6! I'm really loving this. Energy, optimism, feelin' the love for my kids.... THIS is how I want to be most of the time. I'd even take 75% of the time. But, I'm just going to enjoy today for what it is. In fact I'm going to spend some time in my yard today, with my daughter, nurturing and enjoying some of my beautiful flowers, in honour of Stephany who has given me a Flower Smelling Award! Yay! Thank you Stephany! I might even have a lilac bush out there in the back corner of the yard. This is the first Spring we've been in this house and I'm still figuring it all out... AND I've never paid much attention to gardeny things, but I'm really ready to learn. Learn and appreciate. It's like my eyes are opening to some beautiful things I just have never known how to appreciate and connect with before. Or maybe, I just wasn't capable of. Ok, so I will announce the 5 blogs I would like to pass this award on to asap.

Edited to add: Preciousrock of 'One Bipolar Life' has kindly passed on the award as well! Thank you Preciousrock!! This brings up the question of passing it on...can I now pass it on to ten? Anyone know? This is fun!

In other news, I came across this lovely image and thought it was perfect to add to the list of 'stress busters' people have been brainstorming about, inspired by Susan's recent post:

I am in no way trying to trivialize or poke fun at stress, or people's pain AT ALL, but can I just say that the above technique has indeed worked for me on several occasions? When all else fails of course.

And one more thing. Can I ask your opinion on something? I've often thought, woudn't it be nice to share a photo of so and so doing such and such, or a photo of myself and so and so, but have hesitated due to the whole internet privacy thing, and also the fear of images being scooped by pedophiles and the like. Do you think this is over the top kind of thinking? I mean, really, can people search for my blog by images and 'discover me' based on that? (I've heard of that kind of technology in the making). What do you think? The occasional benign photo? Or stick to 'anonymous as all costs' . I should really do some research on this topic. Any thoughts?

Tired But Wired

All I can think of to say is: 'Wow'. Not only do you people know firsthand the depths of what I'm feeling, but you are incredibly sweet and supportive. I'm shocked. At my worst I was convinced that half of you hated me. Or thought my opinions worthless. How can thinking become so twisted? I want to respond to each of your comments in this post, so you don't miss my appreciation for your wonderfulness.


As far as my ride has gone, well, in a nutshell, the lazy, useless, obnoxious houseguests slowly packed their bags and were out by Saturday evening. mmb'bye. And stay out! D'ya think I slammed the door?


Sunday I raced around here higher than a kite, doing stuff we needed to get done around the house and yard: preparing for a garage sale next weekend, so pricing, sorting through boxes etc., (please let my energy last until the garage sale is over), learned how to weed-eat and mow the lawn and did both, gardened for 2 hours, make a few dozen mini quiches for the freezer so hubby can take them for his lunches.... you know, the usual hypomanic stuff; and by midnight I was still raring to go - despite the huge blisters on my hands (my usual bedtime is 9pm). (3 of my 4 kids were with their dad for the weekend in case you're wondering how I managed that!) Also talked my hubby's ear off about anything and everything (I'm not the talkative type normally) That's another bonus of the 3 being at their dad's, I can actually talk! As in, get a word in edge-wise!



Today finds me still hypomanic, but with a side of irritability. I got really worked up and angry with my hubby today for something kind of crazy: he answered a call from my sister while I was in the shower, and told her it was ok for her to pop by for a visit later this afternoon (when he would be at work). Yeah, I know, crazy. When he told me though, I just saw red! I felt betrayed. This is a sister that I find hard to be around, and have to be in the perfect mood for her not to trigger me. He knows this, but I guess he thought that I was on an upswing, so it would be fine. He didn't know yet that today's upswing comes with a bonus feature: hissing & scratching. Bless his soul though, he sometimes just doesn't know which end is up, and I wish I could tell him, but can't because it's changing so fast sometimes.. How did God give him so much patience? He amazes me.


Anyway, the visit was fine because: it was brief, the kids did most of the visiting/chatting with her, and I was able to maintain an emotional distance. Yay me. Sister of the Year. Anyway, I do what I can do.


SO! Onto your comments...



Marya said: If you could keep with things that will be absorbing, that might help - stuff you enjoy - anything to keep those thoughts from invading. Would that be something you could do?


Marya, thank you for that suggestion. I just felt too despondent to do much of anything. But you're right, sometimes, I can keep the feelings at bay if I get absorbed in something that takes all my attention. Sometimes knitting, sometimes helping with a school project, that kind of thing. When I worked part-time a few years ago, that was often a helpful distraction. Now, I don't know if I could, as the cycling has become so much more rapid.


Shiv said: These are difficult emotions but you have painted the picture so beautifully! ~Shiv
Thank you Shiv, I consider that high praise, indeed.


Jena said: Oh, Coco. I am so sorry to hear of your pain. I hope you start to feel better soon. You'll be in my thoughts and prayers! PS-I have to agree with Shiv!
Thank you so much Jena, I really appreciate your kindness. :)

Susan said: Dear Coco,So sorry to read that you feeling so bad. Do you think it has anything to do with cutting back on your medication or going off the Lamictal? Your post today is one of the reasons I worry about posting about alternatives to medication. You see, I never feel the way you have described yourself. That's why I think that perhaps I was misdiagnosed. Your feelings seem to be common (although so thoughtfully expressed) among other people within the bipolar community.Anyway, I just wondered whether medication helps you feel differently than this. And I also want to let you know that my thoughts and prayers are with you!Susan

Susan, the medication. I just don't know. It's something I'm very confused about right now. All I know is that I feel robbed of the last 14 years of my life. On antidepressants I have felt like nothing. Like I needed to wake up and feel something, but I couldn't... numb. Like there was a chemical straight jacket on my feelings. The most precious years of my children's lives, I feel like I've lost. I want to feel. Sometimes I think that if it means cycling like this, then that's what it will have to be... as long as I'm able to feel things. And sometimes I feel like maybe I just wasn't on the right medication. I may try again. Right now I'm decreasing my Effexor very very slowly, as I know this is one drug I will never again be willing to take. Thank you for thinking of me Susan.

PJ said: First of all - SO WELL WRITTEN!! I loved the analogies, great peice. Secondly, I TOTALLY get what you mean by all you said. I get you, girl!Thirdly, my advice. I know it feels very uncontrollable - like you have no choice but to open the door. And, even if you don't open it, the uninvited guests will find their way in around the cracks. So, to you I say, do your best to keep reality in focus. Write down what you need to (such as "my friends love me", "I am a great mom", "I am worth it", "I am God's beautifully created daughter and He longs to hold me in His arms") on paper and post it around your office, bedroom, wherever you need to so that you can read it and let it sink in. Ask God to help you absorb the truth. Let Him wrap His arms around you. Take some quiet time, a few minutes at a time if that's all you can get, to focus, breathe, and say a quick prayer. Do that for 5 minutes every hour if you need to.Take care. You are in my prayers. Take comfort in the fact the people are praying for you.

P.J. that is some awesome advice! And I'm so glad to hear you 'get me' you should get an award for that! ;) Keeping reality in focus.. yes, those words struck a cord. And taking a few minutes at a time. You are a wise woman, dear P.J. Thank you for those thoughtful and comforting words ;)

Clueless said: I love your writing. I hope you were able to take a stand and reclaim your turf today. I liked the attitude and the picture you paint with the way you write.

Well, Clueless, I'd love to say I reclaimed my turf, turned those leeches out on their keisters... but frankly I think they tired of me. And thank you for the compliment.

Naturalgal said: Coco,You will get better. Believe that. Time will make you better. Also there are things you can try.Give yourself lots of positive self talk.I used to be sooo envious of others. But often there is a pain in their life that you might not be aware of. I have found that out about many people who I envied.What do you like? Is there anything you like that is easy to do?Take your life 15 minutes at a time.

Naturalgal, that is so true about other people, and never really knowing what is going on with them. But somehow even with that I manage to turn it into something to envy. Until I round the corner into 'normal' thinking and wonder what the heck I was so envious of. Yes, 15 minutes at a time, that is such a good recommendation. Otherwise it gets so overwhelming.

Gianna said: hey Coco,I have all those feelings too, but unlike Susan, I don't think they define bipolar disorder because I really have no mania or the big classic symptoms of bipolar...but I have all the insecurities you're talking about here in spades...I think they are more related to trauma and difficult childhoods than bipolar per se, though anyone can have these kinds of feelings certainly those without bipolar disorder too...I haven't' read much of your blog but it seems that trauma is part of the problem---like it is for me?

Medication didn't make them go away for me. I find that allowing myself to feel them and not judge them helps. I also meditate profoundly on my feelings. They are remitting slowly.My next post which I'm not sure when I'm going to post because of the long weekend is about how I deal with my symptoms...I don't actually talk about the insecurity, mild paranoia and envy so much but I deal with those the same way...Maybe I'll made my post longer and talk about some of those too...I see those for myself as characterological issues...I know some people don;t like that, but I find it freeing because I can take responsibility for them that way...instead of feel like I'm swept by chemical stew. And like I said the drugs never made them go away...I'm actually dealing with them much better now...of course I don't know what the answer for you is.
You write about your experience here beautifully.
I hope you feel better soon.warmly,G

well, Coco,You did inspire the end of my post...I realize I may view my situation differently...I don't at all mean to impose my interpretation of similar feelings onto you.It will be posted in the next few days...I may take a couple days off for the holiday...or maybe not...not sure...again, your beautiful prose inspired me...thanks.

Dear Gianna, thank you for your kind words. Yes, I think trauma plays a pretty big role here. But that's where it gets confusing for me. Medication did 'work' for me in treating the depression for the past number of years, in that it took away the bad feelings. Now that i'm cycling, it's a whole new ball game, and i'm pretty confused. Maybe childhood trauma is what brings on bipolar for some people. Maybe if i deal with some of those issues I'll recover? Maybe I need to be medicated in order to deal with them. But I tried that, and I can't FEEL the things I need to feel in order to HEAL.... I'm so confused and frustrated! Thank you for providing me with inspiration and hope by relating your story and whats working for you, though. I realize you're not trying to tell anyone what to do, and I don't take it that way, but I find great comfort in your journey.

Amanda said:
I get those visitors too. I prefer the kid.

Oh, Lordy, me too Amanda ;), but the combination is the killer, wouldn't you say :s

Aqua said: God I hate having those unwelcome guests. I love your writing....aqua

Thanks Aqua!

Preciousrock said:
Dear Coco,I always see so much of myself in your posts. You have a beautiful, creative way of expressing yourself. One comment I would make on whether your symptoms are due to childhood trauma or mental illness, I think possibly both. I experience many of the same feelings as you do when I am unmedicated and during PMS week (!!!) and I had a relatively normal, uneventful childhood. My own uneven emotions, depression, fear, paranoia, etc. were my biggest childhood monsters.

Preciousrock, I'm learning so much, it's amazing. Through Jena and now you, I'm beginning to realize that this isn't solely about 'undealt with baggage'. I"ve just always assumed that it was. Thank you for sharing your thoughts, they mean a lot to me. And I often see me in your posts too! ;)

Stephany said: i definitely agree do not offer tea!

lol I didn't Stephany!

Jena said: hey just wanted to let you know my blog address changed, so you'll need to update your links- i'm still at blogger but my link is now jena-fun.blogspot.com :)

Thanks Jena, I've changed it. ;)

Susan said: Coco,You haven't posted recently, and I wanted to check in and make sure you're okay. Gianna just posted and mentioned your post. Thought it might make you feel better--if you're still feeling poorly.Susan

Susan, you are so sweet to check on me. I will now go to see Gianna. Thank you :)

Unwelcome Guests

'Teary' has come to visit today. And I'm trying to figure out who or what has sent out the invite. The virus? But that's all but passed now. A week of missed excersise? Seems unlikely. A missed Effexor dose yesterday? Possible.

When she pays her visits she almost always brings one of her side-kicks, Paranoia, along. I become convinced that certain people either hate me, or consider me worthless. I start to think that of myself. Even my children are not exempt from becoming the targets of this kind of thinking. I imagine that they prefer their father to me, that they just can't wait until it's their weekend with him.

Another tag-along, Envy, manages to squeak in before the door closes, causing feelings of inferiority. Where yesterday I might be happy to know someone possessing qualities I would like to foster in myself, today's visitors turn it aaaallll around. Suddenly I'm resentful of anyone who possesses these qualities. Namely, those who I see as popular, talkative, selfconfident, intelligent, skilled at writing, good at sports or anything physical, like dance, putting their education to good use, being creative, artistic..... the list goes on. They threaten me. I back away. Maybe because these are all latent, blocked qualitites in myself that are burning to be expressed? Sometimes I think so.

I remember having these feelings since kindergarten.

I think Childhood Trauma mailed the initial invitations.

So how can I be the worst hostess imaginable, so that these uninvited guests might take their leave asap? So that they won't get on the horn and invite even more friends... like Fear (who's rang already, but I refuse to give out the address). Or Severe Depression (whose stays are so bloody long and laborious). Do I just play the waiting game? Wait for them to tire of me, like they eventually do?

I want to be proactive.

I'm going to find a way of reclaiming my own space.

In the meantime, until I find the ultimate way of doing that, I'll try filling my space with as much light and positivity as I can. Pray. Open some windows. Breathe. And not offer any tea.

Presto Chango!

In regards to this business about the bipolar child/meds craziness, let me just say that superlagirl has been reading my mail! I couldn't have written a better post on what seem like my very own thoughts.

"You really want to improve the mental health of children? Stop demanding that they act like adults and stop driving their parents crazy"

Ha! Love it.
================================================================

Last post (was it just yesterday?) I was feeling like ripping my hair out from a few days of severe irritability. As we started out on the 2 hour journey for our overnight stay at friends, however, the strangest thing happened. We stopped by the Tim Horton's drivethrough for some doughnuts and coffee, and as I was about half done my coffee, and not even 20 minutes into the trip, I looked over at my hubby and said , 'This is it, I can feel the shift happening right now... you don't mind if I rearrange my purse do you?' And that was it. The billious bubble of bitchiness I couldn't seem to get out of just. simply. burst.

Was it the special blend of Timmy's coffee? The prospect of a visit with my dearest friend?, Some random shift in brain chemistry? Just what the heck WAS that? I've never had it happen so quickly and noticably before. I was so CONSCIOUS of the precise moment that particular cloud lifted. And it was actually quite exciting.

As was the remainder of the day which saw me escalating in mood higher and higher. Everything was amusing. I was witty, charming, CONFIDENT (something I struggle with oh so much), my kids and hers could do no wrong. What on earth had I been getting so bent out of shape about the last few days. Live, Love, Laugh!

And I think it would have lasted too, if I hadn't woken up with the stomach virus one of my friend's kids was getting over. So while I'm not back to the irritability that just passed, I'm subdued and feeling a need for space purely for physical reasons. Ah, so many factors come into play in this whole game of trying to figure out one's mind. It's fun trying though. Half of the time (haha, get it?)

And, related to nothing other than I wanted to mention this, I'll just say that I really loved P.J.'s latest post called 'Have You Ever?' And yes, P.J. that sounds very familiar. It's so hard to open up sometimes, and we just crave that encouragement, and also need to know that the person asking is really wanting to know the truthful answer. That we can trust them with those feelings we are longing to share. It's very lonely when I'm feeling that no one is truly interested. Thanks for mirroring mine and probably many others' feelings, and for sharing your heart. I think that's very comforting , just simply seeing your thoughts and feelings mirrored. It makes me feel much less alone.

feels like fingernails down a chalkboard

I'm cranky.
The past few days it's been escalating despite my best intentions. It feels like pms-cranky used to. My period ended last week, so no chance it's that. I looked back on my mood charts. Not much to look back on seeing as I started in April. However, I think I've noticed a pattern. It seems that a few days of irritability are preceding either a trip into happyland or hell. The last few times have been happyland. I'll take that, buy me a ticket! I'm keeping my fingers crossed. In the meantime I'm constantly reminding my family that I need a bit of space, that my brain is acting up again.... anything rather than them think it's them. Dear God, please don't let me be ruining my children.

Can I tell you how I went from charting-my-moods-whenever-I-happened-to-remember-and-often-losing-the-chartbook to.... this-is-fun-I-want-to-chart-every-day-and-I-can't-lose-it? Maybe you already know about it, but it's called Moodtracker.com It's free. I love it. I introduced Dr. G to it (my psychiatrist, and what's funny is that I've referred to him by that name over the years, even before the need for anonymity). Anyway, he seemed pretty impressed by it as it tracks a lot of factors in the mix, including: sleep hours, irritability, anxiety, menses etc. Did I mention that it's free?

Ok well, we're supposed to be going to my best friends today, she lives an hour and a half away in a lake-side community. Her kids & mine get along so well and I know mine are chomping at the bit to start getting ready. And a sleep-over to boot! Just try and peel them off the ceiling. The weather is georgeous too, should be a good day. I just hope I can keep these grumpies at bay and change the fact that every little thing seems to be grating on my very last nerve. Maybe I'll try meditating before we go. HA! Like that's going to happen. I hate feeling like this... it's just such a BITTER feeling. I've always found bitter people to be very unappealing. Good thing I've become an accomplished actress over the years.

It's a heart thing

Gianna spoke yesterday about a pain in her heart. At first I was worried for her... instantly thinking of an impending heart attack. But as I read on, a little light of recognition swtiched on:

"...it radiates out from my heart chakra into my whole being....Today I figure it out. And as I did the pain subsided some. It’s blocked spiritual energy. It’s the energy of the mania that was triggered by hallucinogens. It’s been stifled in me ever since I took the psych drugs. My mania was profoundly spiritual and legitimately so as far as I’m concerned. Now this feeling is all the joy and love and euphoria crammed down in my being asking to be released"

A light of recognition because, although I don't experience this sensation as actual pain, a 'heart feeling' has been on my mind a lot in the past year. Whenever I try to describe it in journalling, or to my husband, I say it's like a constant feeling of adrenaline... or like a feeling of humming in my chest. A 'revved up' feeling. It's often accompanied by irritability, and it is almost always when I am either hypomanic or about to switch into that phase. It's not a totally unpleasant feeling for me, rather one that's bothersome in that it's not easy to ignore.

Thinking that it might be 'blocked spiritual energy' makes a lot of sense to me. I did a fair amount of energy work when I went to a psychologist who specialized in Energy Psychology a few years ago before my divorce. I think I should revisit some of those techniques for keeping the energy flowing as it should.

Does anyone else out there experience odd sensations in their chest area?