Saturday, November 1, 2008
Tired
I feel very lonely. I thought Brad was understanding of what I'm going through, and he's been acting very supportive lately, and yet..... tonight. After me working all day and him having the day off, I came home to a nice dinner and bottle of wine. Beautiful. My kids are away, our little one sleeping... time to chat over a nice glass of wine after dinner in the living room. We start talking about depression for awhile, I'm feeling like he really gets it. Talk somehow eventually leads round to my kids. I get the feeling I'm being attacked for not following through on discipline/not being firm enough. He gets hot under the color, I start tearing... he goes off to the bedroom to watch hockey. The warm, fuzzy feelings quickly evaporate. I'm left feeling abandoned, misunderstood, rejected. I'm thinking if he knew what kind of pain I'm really dealing with... he might have saved the 'kids' conversation for another time. Instead of giving me yet one more reason to doubt myself... to hate myself. And one more reason to feel that no, he really doesn't understand. Another brick in the wall I guess. I'm getting so very tired of crying. I'm getting tired of facing people at work and making up excuses as to why I seem like a totally different/unwell person. "Smile!" someone demanded of me today. I'm getting tired of the failure.
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4 comments:
I don't think people who've never had a problem with serious depression get it. Or at least very seldom. I sure wish I had some answer as to how to communicate it to them so that they'd understand. All I can offer is empathy and the thought of hugs.
Just as Immi said, it is impossible to feel or completely understand something that one has never felt or been through before and this makes marriage difficult for someone who experiences severe depression or other mental illness. I wish I had answers for you too. I hate that you are struggling so. I do know how annoying it is to be having a bad day or week or month and have co-workers demand that you be your "usual" cheery, smiley, boisterous self. It sucks. xoxo
(((Hugs))) I have told my husband if he could just peer into my brain for 5 minutes he would run and hide like a scared little girl! It's so frustrating when they just don't understand.
I am relating so much to your blog. Adding your to my blogroll.
Hang in there!
Jada
hey coco,
I didn't know you were writing again...
It's very hard dealing with situations when we feel others don't understand but I also think it's the nature of being human.
No one can ever know anything except their own experience. Some people are better at being compassionate about things they have never experienced, but I've never met anyone who can do that 100% of the time.
For me, I try to sit with my experience and accept it and I do my best to understand my husband especially when I think he's not understanding me. I know he often needs support too.
It's a difficult line to walk...and no one does it flawlessly.
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