Heeeerrre brainy brain brain!

Before I forget... mood report: the days since last post went 'normal' leading slowly to depressed. I went to my Dr. as I'd been planning for a while to speak to him about exploring the mood stabilizer idea again. We decided to go with a month tryout of divalproex. (On top of my Cymbalta) So far so spacey. I just can't seem to get a mental grasp on anything. Not to a huge degree... I can still function, but to a degree just enough to mess with my head. (and give me very very strange dreams). I'll give it a bit. I've taken an LOA from work, perhaps a month or so. I finally realized that my mood ride along with the other stressors in my family life are just way too much to cope with along with working full time. Stay tuned. Too brain-dead to write at them moment.

shift

On edge turned to hypomanic.... which is what yesterday was all about too I think just the negative variety. No time for a proper post but wanted to record where I was at today. Lots of energy, good mood, jokey at work... everything peachy on the home front looking after the kids tonight after work while Brad's on night shift, when usually it stresses me out. Although now the kids are really getting on my nerves again so once again must start the bedtime routine.

On Edge

Work today. Didn't do too badly thanks to my friend/coworker Corinne who always seems to give me comfort just by being around her. We even had a few laughs together which is amazing. Reinforces the notion that I need to hold onto my job even when it's really hard going and really hard facing other people. I have to keep moving.

By the time I got home I seemed to have a new burst of energy, which got me through making supper and doing dishes (Brad on late shift again). Although it also added an element of hostility between myself and my stepdaughter (18). I really have issues surrounding her, and can get quite revved up. Another post.

I hope I sleep better tonight as I awoke at 4:45 this morning and only dozed a bit until the alarm went. Too early for this cowgirl. The kids are really getting on my nerves. Bed time before I start getting too agitated.

Chair Day

My last day off. I've spent the day mostly sitting in this chair. I did help Lucy pack up some of her toys and clothes this morning for a local Haiti releif collection. She was very generous with her stuffies :) I'm proud of her. When I get the others home from school I'll encourage them to do the same.

Brad is off to work for his 'afternoon shift' and doesn't get home till 11pm. I really hate doing the single parent thing in the evenings. It feels so overwhelming sometimes. Especially when I have no energy. Listen to me....I'm going to have to rename this blog to something like Bitching & Bananas. Everything sounds pretty negative. But that's the way I feel so I'm not going to apologize for it.

I think my lack of energy the past few days is starting to really bug my hubby. I feel like I can't talk to him about the way I feel because he gives off these 'I'd rather not hear about it' vibes. Which makes me feel very alone. There really isn't one person in my life I feel comfortable opening up to. I know my mom is always willing to listen, and I'm grateful for that, but usually I only open up to here when I REALLY am in a bad way and need her. Other times I feel like I need to save her the burden. My sister's suicide in the '80's plays a role in this. For me it's all about protecting her from 'going there' again. Yet I know she knows I struggle, and that I put on a front more times than not.

She also has my brother to worry about over on the Mainland. He was hospitalized for Depression a few weeks ago and is now recovering at home. I don't want to give her any more, expecially seeing as she's still laid up with her back and has lots of time to think. It's amazing that SHE's not prone to Depression with all she's been through. But she's a rock is my mother, and for that I thank God. I guess the bad stuff's all in the men's genes that got passed down. My father, and my other siblings father (the first 4 sibs had one dad and I had the next).

Anyway, things could be worse! Much Worse! I could be a fish for example! Anyway, time to go round up the kidlings...

Gritty Teeth

All Jabberwocky is gone.

Last night I had a splitting headache. Took some Robaxacet as my neck/shoulders/back seemed to be quite painful as well, and fell asleep on the couch. The headache nagged me all night in my dreams and was the first thing to wish me a good morning.

An hour LATE I might add... we all slept in. So... took more Robaxacet, this time with codeine in it, and started the morning routine of coffeemaking, vitamin/meds taking, lunch packing etc etc. Luckily it wasn't a work morning for me so I wasn't over the top panicked, although I don't think I would have been going to work feeling the way I felt, and I was too drugged-feeling to move too fast anyway. The kids were going to be late either way so no use getting bent out of shape. It hardly ever happens anyway that they're late.

Anyway, the drugs took care of my headache for the most part, although I've felt very dreamy all day and not really here. I thought it was the codeine, but I'm still very out to lunch. Quite melancholy and listless too, and feel like I'm on the verge of tears or anger most of the time. Haven't showered today or combed my hair except with my fingers...in fact I noticed this afternoon that my teeth felt gritty which means that I didn't even brush my teeth. Gross, I know. Sounds like another dip down. Talk about rapid cycling. I talk to God quite often and sometimes ask for repreive from this rollercoaster. I guess this must be part of His plan for something or other, and I trust in that and take comfort in His loving presence nonetheless. I wish I didn't feel so helpless and at the mercy of forces beyond my control, but I guess that's all part of the trusting.

Jabberwocky

'Twas brillig and the slithy toves

did gyre and gimble in the wabe'

A few lines from Lewis Caroll's Jabberwocky poem. The first line of which has been repeatedly running through my head aaaallllll daaaaaayyyyy at work. Why I don't know. It's been driving me crazy! I literally could not get it out! I hope this isn't some kind of obsessive thought business starting. Hmm.

The past few days have been much better. I snapped out of that one, and now go around with nonsense verse running through my head asking people if they know what Jabberwocky is. I've been surprised at how many people do not know, or have never heard of it. 'Is it a dance troupe?' 'Is it a Star Wars character?' 'I dunno'. Hmmm. I guess there are advantages to being a bookworm. If you consider that an advantage, which is quite debatable.

Actually I think what got the verse in there in the first place was Robbie Burns day yesterday. I was reading some verses of his on the web, and that lovely Scottish brogue I think kind of reminded me of the poem.

Anyway, all for now

Fogville

I awoke with the same feeling of dread. Laid in bed a while wanting to prolong the coccooned feeling as long as possible. I could hear Drake getting ready for school early...he wanted to surprise me. He can be really sweet sometimes. Especially when he knows I'm not in the best frame of mine. Which makes me feel guilty.

Doing the school prep... lunches etc., was quite challenging, as I felt like I was still wrapped in the fog of sleep. That's the way I've kind of felt all day: like I can't wake up, a sleep hangover, disconnected from the waking world.

I did decide to push myself to do some things around the house to see if some adrenaline/sweat could kickstart me into wakey-wakey land, but doing the dishes, vacuuming the house and folding a load or 2 of laundry did little more than reinforce the notion that doing housework on one's day off really sucks. And is exhausting.

This is Brad and I's only day off together... we both work rotating schedules and have one day overlap (same day off) each week and it's always a different day. Challenging much? Yeah. Anyway, in order to manage housework a bit better, we're trying to do an hour or two of cleaning chores together on our day off, and then spend the rest of the day together doing whatever we want... usually going shopping or running errands etc. (We're pretty exciting). And usually we have Lucy for company as she's only in preschool still and they go half days.

Today we did our bottle returns, grabbed a drivethru lunch, then went over to visit my parents. Mom is laid up with a back problem. She's a very active lady and it's normally hard for her to sit still, so it's a good thing she's on major pain killers or she'd be insane by now. She's waiting for back surgery, and it could be awhile. I've been helping out a bit with meals and visiting more frequently, so it's been interesting. She's in good spirits, so that's excelllent. Although she (and we all are) concerned about my brother who was hospitalized last week for major depression with minor psychosis. he's always been a pretty together, successful guy so this has been a wake-up call for all involved including his grown children who are helping him through this over in the big city. Anyway, another time for that story.

After leaving there and picking up the kids we dropped them back off at home, and while Jordy bbsat the younger ones we went to our initial appointment with a counsellor who is hopefully going to sort out some of the problems we're experiencing in this wonderful family of ours. Namely, Drake's tic/behavioral challenges, and Tasha's anxiety issues. Oh and, yes, my depression/bipolar and it's impact... lots of different things going on that we've finally realized are beyond our ability to sort through alone. WE NEED HELP. That was really hard to admit, but we did, and we're actively seeking it. Yay us. What a mess.

ugh

A day of very low energy. I worked my 8 hours dragging my behind every step of the way. And it's a lot of steps in one my work days. Spent my breaks in the staff room sitting on the sofa with my head back and eyes closed. Came home and layed on the couch, chatting with my kids and watching a bit of telly (lucky them, no energy to be irritable even ;). Luckily hubby did dinner/clean-up, which is a nice treat to be able to relax when I'm feeling like I need it. I can't beleive I actually let him do this without me at least offering to help. I just didn't have it in me. 2 days off now... today was my Friday. Torn between resting and the thought of getting stuff done. We'll see after the 'off to school' scramble is over and I'm back from driving the kids to school. Good night bloggity blog.

A Year and a Day

That's how long I've been away from here. What a fairweather blogger. Actually I'm the opposite. I seem to come here more when I've down. Although not too far down.

The past year? Moodwise? Fantastic. Almost forgot I ever had the need for this kind of thing at any time. Which makes me feel really selfish in retrospect, because I should have been thinking of supporting other people. But it was like I wanted to forget all about the fact that the bad stuff existed. Seriously.... I've been totally wrapped in a fog of 'normal'. I actually have felt like part of the real world, which is very strange for me, but has felt so easy and carefree.

I still take Cymbalta 60mg. The past few months I have also been religious about taking other supplements every morning as well: a good multivitamin, a B complex 'stress' vitamin, calcium, Vitamin C, and Fish Oil capsules. I've felt so very healthy and almost invincible. I make a blueberry smoothy each morning as well to bring to work for my 10am break. I've generally just been becoming more vigilant about making sure I'm getting what I need nutritionally. Excercise? Well, we wont' go there right now. I know I should, but I don't.

There's something strange going on though. The past few mentrual cycles (sorry guys) I've had really bad pms (way more intense than usual), as in feeling very angry/depressed a few days before, and then very weepy/depressed right at the onset. Then, once it starts, bam...I snap right back to normal, as I've always done with any pms symptoms I've experienced. This last period though, the same has happened except for the bam part. I got through the intense crying day, got my period, but then have continued to feel depressed for over a week now. Bam-less.

I'm scared. I forgot what this feels like. Kind of like going through labor for the second time. 'Oh yeaaaaahh....this is what it feels like'. A year is a mighty long time to feel in control of your emotions. Right now I am irritable with my kids, feel intense dread upon waking, and am feeling my interest in things take a nosedive. All day there is a heavy feeling in my chest that feels like a combination of hurt, fear & frustration.

A lot of questions running through my head...Is the Cymbalta starting to lose it's edge? How long should I wait before looking into some med changes? Am I on a slippery slope down, or will I rally soon? If it's the slope, how the hell am i going to keep up the facade of normal at work? That is in the top 3 for me of 'hardest things to deal with when you're depressed'... the dealing with other people. Other people to whom dipping into the dark depths of depression is utterly foreign. Wow, an alliteration, how poetic :o

Ok, well we'll see if I make it back here anytime soon. Something tells me I will. Thanks for the comments and thoughts while I was away ;)

Better

Today my spirits picked up, although I still find myself very low key & reflective. I went to work and ended up working in a different wing which means I met some new people. I didn't know how that would be for me, not really knowing where my mood was going today, after a very bad day yesterday, and whether or not I'd feel really uncomfortable and avoidant, or what, but it turns out I was very level, and the effect of hearing different people's different stories was one of refreshment. I love the elderly so much, it's like they feed my soul.

I guess I'm going to have to take this day by day. I've never really known a bad day like yesterday while being on antidepressants, it really frightened me into thinking they had stopped working. It felt almost as bad as when I was off them last. This is new and very alarming to me. I'll have to brace myself for a different ride this time I guess. Right now it feels like I'll be able to handle it. We'll see what tomorrow brings.