That's how long I've been away from here. What a fairweather blogger. Actually I'm the opposite. I seem to come here more when I've down. Although not too far down.
The past year? Moodwise? Fantastic. Almost forgot I ever had the need for this kind of thing at any time. Which makes me feel really selfish in retrospect, because I should have been thinking of supporting other people. But it was like I wanted to forget all about the fact that the bad stuff existed. Seriously.... I've been totally wrapped in a fog of 'normal'. I actually have felt like part of the real world, which is very strange for me, but has felt so easy and carefree.
I still take Cymbalta 60mg. The past few months I have also been religious about taking other supplements every morning as well: a good multivitamin, a B complex 'stress' vitamin, calcium, Vitamin C, and Fish Oil capsules. I've felt so very healthy and almost invincible. I make a blueberry smoothy each morning as well to bring to work for my 10am break. I've generally just been becoming more vigilant about making sure I'm getting what I need nutritionally. Excercise? Well, we wont' go there right now. I know I should, but I don't.
There's something strange going on though. The past few mentrual cycles (sorry guys) I've had really bad pms (way more intense than usual), as in feeling very angry/depressed a few days before, and then very weepy/depressed right at the onset. Then, once it starts, bam...I snap right back to normal, as I've always done with any pms symptoms I've experienced. This last period though, the same has happened except for the bam part. I got through the intense crying day, got my period, but then have continued to feel depressed for over a week now. Bam-less.
I'm scared. I forgot what this feels like. Kind of like going through labor for the second time. 'Oh yeaaaaahh....this is what it feels like'. A year is a mighty long time to feel in control of your emotions. Right now I am irritable with my kids, feel intense dread upon waking, and am feeling my interest in things take a nosedive. All day there is a heavy feeling in my chest that feels like a combination of hurt, fear & frustration.
A lot of questions running through my head...Is the Cymbalta starting to lose it's edge? How long should I wait before looking into some med changes? Am I on a slippery slope down, or will I rally soon? If it's the slope, how the hell am i going to keep up the facade of normal at work? That is in the top 3 for me of 'hardest things to deal with when you're depressed'... the dealing with other people. Other people to whom dipping into the dark depths of depression is utterly foreign. Wow, an alliteration, how poetic :o
Ok, well we'll see if I make it back here anytime soon. Something tells me I will. Thanks for the comments and thoughts while I was away ;)
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5 comments:
Hey there Coco~ Welcome back to the blog world!
I've taken time away, too. Sometimes that just needs to happen.
Intereting about your year!! I'm glad that God has been helping you to feel good and that the meds are working for you.
AS for the past little while, I am going to tell you what someone told me - the months of Dec to Feb are the highest depression months. Even people who don't struggle with depression can get low and blue. Those who already struggle with it may get hit a little harder -so keep up with your wellness activities, good eating habits, and the like. And, if you need to take a little more time for you for relaxation, etc., then give yourself the room to do that.
Glad you are back!
PJ, thanks for the welcome back! And yes, I agree, the time of year definitely could have something to do with it. That's a really good point about giving ourselves room to take extra time for ourselves when we need it. I am soooooo bad at that. I'm glad you're back too. It's comforting ;)
Hi Coco!!! Welcome back! Thanks for coming over to my blog. I took a leave of absence myself, and I can totally relate to a lot happening in a year. It's been a crazy road. Well, I wouldn't worry about being concerned about other people on the blogs... the reason we have blogs is to come here when we need to and people who are also here will be here and we support each other wherever we are at. There's no judgment! I am glad to see you again. I am sad to hear that you're going through a tough time, but I hope that blogging becomes helpful. Please know you have support with me :) *hugs*
Oh dear, I just left a lengthy comment and it was wiped out by the comment poltergeist. Don't have the energy to redo, but know that I enjoyed your post and am thinking of you!
Hi Coco.
I've been catching up on your blog. I saw you were a commenter on Jane's blog, so I popped over to say Hi to you. It's wonderful that you've been doing so well for over a year. I hope this recent downturn is just a blip that stabilizes soon.
Petal.
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