Phew. Well, after Day 11 on Cymbalta, I was back. The world no longer seemed a living hell - a place I looked desperately for an escape from. I was getting so desperate. Gathering old meds and keeping them stashed in my bedside table, just in case. And living, after all, is the goal of all this isn't it? Now I can move on to Living Well. A goal I'm taking on very slowly. First I have to figure out what that means for me. I'm just enjoying the feeling of being in a safe place for now.
Thank you all for your kind comments. I'm so grateful for each one, it makes me feel so much less alone in this.
Do any of you have others in your life to share your inner experiences with? I mean real-life people who know what you're going through? Who perhaps battle depression/bipolar as well? I find that the hardest part of living - feeling like I have a big secret and having no one to talk to about any of this. The people I have opened up to, really don't understand. They mean well, but it feels like they're on a different planet, it's impossible for them to relate. My counsellor is the only person I have to talk to, and I'm soooo grateful for her, and that I started up counselling again.
But as for day to day life... it's hard feeling seperate. Especially at work. It kind of feels like everyone else is part of this club... the 'normal club' perhaps, (although, believe me, I do know there's no such thing as normal, and that others have their secret troubles as well), and that I'm on the outside looking in. Never quite fitting in. That seems to be a repetitive theme throughout my life. And is mostly a result of thinking errors I'm sure. Yet, deep down I think I'm partly right. I am kind of different at a core level. Damaged I think. Unable to connect to people, and stay connected. I can connect, and often do too deeply, and then I'm backpedalling like crazy.... avoiding, putting up walls. And yet, I come across as pretty darned normal. I've done a fine job in this acting academy called life, so far.
Yet, I wonder what people at work must think of me as far as the change in mood goes. For a few months there I was steadily going down hill, quite noticably, despite my efforts..... untalkative, red eyes, avoidant, etc. etc. And then as if overnight (when my meds kick in, they really kick in) I was all smiles and cheer, joking around as per the old coco. That must have seemed pretty strange. And I did try to tame it down as much as I could, but DAMN it felt good to be rid of that heavy weight! I felt like kissing everyone I was so releived!
Anyway, it feels good to have the time to write a bit this morning. The 3 older kids are with their Dad for a few days now, so it's just me and my little big girl who just turned 4. Who is still snoozing away might I add! Ah ...time to myself with a coffee and my lappie! A rare luxury! Now off to read a few of your blogs. Life is good.
Thank you all for your kind comments. I'm so grateful for each one, it makes me feel so much less alone in this.
Do any of you have others in your life to share your inner experiences with? I mean real-life people who know what you're going through? Who perhaps battle depression/bipolar as well? I find that the hardest part of living - feeling like I have a big secret and having no one to talk to about any of this. The people I have opened up to, really don't understand. They mean well, but it feels like they're on a different planet, it's impossible for them to relate. My counsellor is the only person I have to talk to, and I'm soooo grateful for her, and that I started up counselling again.
But as for day to day life... it's hard feeling seperate. Especially at work. It kind of feels like everyone else is part of this club... the 'normal club' perhaps, (although, believe me, I do know there's no such thing as normal, and that others have their secret troubles as well), and that I'm on the outside looking in. Never quite fitting in. That seems to be a repetitive theme throughout my life. And is mostly a result of thinking errors I'm sure. Yet, deep down I think I'm partly right. I am kind of different at a core level. Damaged I think. Unable to connect to people, and stay connected. I can connect, and often do too deeply, and then I'm backpedalling like crazy.... avoiding, putting up walls. And yet, I come across as pretty darned normal. I've done a fine job in this acting academy called life, so far.
Yet, I wonder what people at work must think of me as far as the change in mood goes. For a few months there I was steadily going down hill, quite noticably, despite my efforts..... untalkative, red eyes, avoidant, etc. etc. And then as if overnight (when my meds kick in, they really kick in) I was all smiles and cheer, joking around as per the old coco. That must have seemed pretty strange. And I did try to tame it down as much as I could, but DAMN it felt good to be rid of that heavy weight! I felt like kissing everyone I was so releived!
Anyway, it feels good to have the time to write a bit this morning. The 3 older kids are with their Dad for a few days now, so it's just me and my little big girl who just turned 4. Who is still snoozing away might I add! Ah ...time to myself with a coffee and my lappie! A rare luxury! Now off to read a few of your blogs. Life is good.
Me in the arms of my big brother... a picture that always makes me feel loved :)
4 comments:
Hi Coco,
I hope things get better for you soon. You asked about "real" friends with depression etc. I have many friends with the same difficulties as me. One way I met people with mood disorders was to join an arts clubhouse for people with mental illnesses. I now teach there and it has been extraordinary for me to see I am not alone and to learn to live despite my mood disorder. There may be things like this in your community...at the very least there is probably a mood disorder support gropu nearby. They are all over the place.
...aqua
Aqua, thanks so much. And thanks for giving me this suggestion. Funny enough it's been on my mind recently and was something my counsellor suggested as well. Sounds like I should be looking into it. I appreciate you stopping by :)
Hi, stumbled on a link to your blog and what a great read. I don't really share my true biplar battles with real-life people. I hate living with a "big secret" as well.
marsha
Hi Marsha, thanks for your kind words.... I've kind of disappeared from this blog, but I do still read any comments that come through, and wonder when I'll be inspired to post again. I'm doing well on the Cymbalta still, but wonder in truth what the fall will bring. Look forward to checking out your blog :)
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