'Teary' has come to visit today. And I'm trying to figure out who or what has sent out the invite. The virus? But that's all but passed now. A week of missed excersise? Seems unlikely. A missed Effexor dose yesterday? Possible.
When she pays her visits she almost always brings one of her side-kicks, Paranoia, along. I become convinced that certain people either hate me, or consider me worthless. I start to think that of myself. Even my children are not exempt from becoming the targets of this kind of thinking. I imagine that they prefer their father to me, that they just can't wait until it's their weekend with him.
Another tag-along, Envy, manages to squeak in before the door closes, causing feelings of inferiority. Where yesterday I might be happy to know someone possessing qualities I would like to foster in myself, today's visitors turn it aaaallll around. Suddenly I'm resentful of anyone who possesses these qualities. Namely, those who I see as popular, talkative, selfconfident, intelligent, skilled at writing, good at sports or anything physical, like dance, putting their education to good use, being creative, artistic..... the list goes on. They threaten me. I back away. Maybe because these are all latent, blocked qualitites in myself that are burning to be expressed? Sometimes I think so.
I remember having these feelings since kindergarten.
I think Childhood Trauma mailed the initial invitations.
So how can I be the worst hostess imaginable, so that these uninvited guests might take their leave asap? So that they won't get on the horn and invite even more friends... like Fear (who's rang already, but I refuse to give out the address). Or Severe Depression (whose stays are so bloody long and laborious). Do I just play the waiting game? Wait for them to tire of me, like they eventually do?
I want to be proactive.
I'm going to find a way of reclaiming my own space.
In the meantime, until I find the ultimate way of doing that, I'll try filling my space with as much light and positivity as I can. Pray. Open some windows. Breathe. And not offer any tea.
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15 comments:
If you could keep busy with things that will be absorbing, that might help - stuff you enjoy - anything to keep those thoughts from invading.
Would that be something you could do?
These are difficult emotions but you have painted the picture so beautifully!
~Shiv
Oh, Coco. I am so sorry to hear of your pain. I hope you start to feel better soon. You'll be in my thoughts and prayers!
PS-I have to agree with Shiv!
Dear Coco,
So sorry to read that you feeling so bad. Do you think it has anything to do with cutting back on your medication or going off the Lamictal?
Your post today is one of the reasons I worry about posting about alternatives to medication. You see, I never feel the way you have described yourself. That's why I think that perhaps I was misdiagnosed. Your feelings seem to be common (although so thoughtfully expressed) among other people within the bipolar community.
Anyway, I just wondered whether medication helps you feel differently than this. And I also want to let you know that my thoughts and prayers are with you!
Susan
First of all - SO WELL WRITTEN!! I loved the analogies, great peice.
Secondly, I TOTALLY get what you mean by all you said. I get you, girl!
Thirdly, my advice. I know it feels very uncontrollable - like you have no choice but to open the door. And, even if you don't open it, the uninvited guests will find their way in around the cracks. So, to you I say, do your best to keep reality in focus. Write down what you need to (such as "my friends love me", "I am a great mom", "I am worth it", "I am God's beautifully created daughter and He longs to hold me in His arms") on paper and post it around your office, bedroom, wherever you need to so that you can read it and let it sink in. Ask God to help you absorb the truth. Let Him wrap His arms around you. Take some quiet time, a few minutes at a time if that's all you can get, to focus, breathe, and say a quick prayer. Do that for 5 minutes every hour if you need to.
Take care. You are in my prayers. Take comfort in the fact the people are praying for you.
I love your writing. I hope you were able to take a stand and reclaim your turf today. I liked the attitude and the picture you paint with the way you write.
Coco,
You will get better. Believe that. Time will make you better. Also there are things you can try.
Give yourself lots of positive self talk.
I used to be sooo envious of others. But often there is a pain in their life that you might not be aware of. I have found that out about many people who I envied.
What do you like? Is there anything you like that is easy to do?
Take your life 15 minutes at a time.
hey Coco,
I have all those feelings too, but unlike Susan, I don't think they define bipolar disorder because I really have no mania or the big classic symptoms of bipolar...but I have all the insecurities you're talking about here in spades...I think they are more related to trauma and difficult childhoods than bipolar per se, though anyone can have these kinds of feelings certainly those without bipolar disorder too...I haven't' read much of your blog but it seems that trauma is part of the problem---like it is for me?
Medication didn't make them go away for me. I find that allowing myself to feel them and not judge them helps. I also meditate profoundly on my feelings. They are remitting slowly.
My next post which I'm not sure when I'm going to post because of the long weekend is about how I deal with my symptoms...I don't actually talk about the insecurity, mild paranoia and envy so much but I deal with those the same way...
Maybe I'll made my post longer and talk about some of those too...I see those for myself as characterological issues...I know some people don;t like that, but I find it freeing because I can take responsibility for them that way...instead of feel like I'm swept by chemical stew. And like I said the drugs never made them go away...I'm actually dealing with them much better now...of course I don't know what the answer for you is.
You write about your experience here beautifully.
I hope you feel better soon.
warmly,
G
well, Coco,
You did inspire the end of my post...I realize I may view my situation differently...I don't at all mean to impose my interpretation of similar feelings onto you.
It will be posted in the next few days...I may take a couple days off for the holiday...or maybe not...not sure...
again, your beautiful prose inspired me...thanks.
I get those visitors too. I prefer the kids.
God I hate having those unwelcome guests. I love your writing.
...aqua
Dear Coco,
I always see so much of myself in your posts. You have a beautiful, creative way of expressing yourself. One comment I would make on whether your symptoms are due to childhood trauma or mental illness, I think possibly both. I experience many of the same feelings as you do when I am unmedicated and during PMS week (!!!) and I had a relatively normal, uneventful childhood. My own uneven emotions, depression, fear, paranoia, etc. were my biggest childhood monsters.
i definitely agree do not offer tea!
hey just wanted to let you know my blog address changed, so you'll need to update your links- i'm still at blogger but my link is now jena-fun.blogspot.com :)
Coco,
You haven't posted recently, and I wanted to check in and make sure you're okay. Gianna just posted and mentioned your post. Thought it might make you feel better--if you're still feeling poorly.
Susan
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