I don't know if this is the right time to (re)start up this blog or not. I think I'm heading down again, and I worry that it will be a struggle to keep up. I guess I'll do what I can. Over on Jena 's blog (Every Moment Matters) she was talking about today's distractions and how they helped her out a bit today in taking her mind off her struggles for a while. I commented, saying I could relate to that, and found that sometimes when I actually force myself to rise to the occasion, it actually works in raising my mood. However, it seems to always be temporary. Whatever, temporary is good too. And come to think about it, it only works when I'm not to far gone down the spiral. Faking it just doesn't really enter into the picture after a certain point... it's almost impossible.
So today being Mother's Day, I'm glad I'm only mildly depressed. I was able to do a stellar job of faking it. Although the hypomania of the past few weeks would have suited me a lot better :). Regardless, I enjoyed brunch out with hubby, my parents and my youngest. Then went and picked up my older 3 from their Dad's (it's his weekend with them), and took them out to spend a few hours together. We stumbled upon a flea market which we mosied through, then went for an icecream from a little canteen on the oceanfront. It was all very nice.... they presented me with the fabulous cards and crafts from school, plus a beautiful bouquet of flowers that my ex must have helped them buy... I was touched.
The faking wore me out though... sometimes it's just so draining to pretend. The lift was very short-lived and came at a cost. It doesn't help that I've been up since 4:30am because I couldn't fall back asleep. I'm so hoping this is just a temporary set-back and isn't leading to a major spiral down. The thought sends sparks of panic zipping through me. I so hate the unpredictability of this ride I'm on.
17 comments:
Yes, distractions are temporary. They help us while they are still new, and once they are gone, we are left to live with ourselves alone again. Alone in our mind. Away from the mall, away from our family, away from our work or whatever it was that distracted us. It's easy to fake while we're distracted! It becomes much harder to fake it when we're in acute emotional distress like depression or hypomania. Sometimes the distraction isn't powerful enough for the emotion and we're having to put more energy into the faking for the occasion. Like what you described today. It can be very tiresome.
Hiding hypomania is easy for some, because most people see hypomania as nothing but a good mood. But for me, I have to work hard to mask my hypomanias in my workplace- my co-workers, fellow psych nurses, know the signs all too well and I don't need to be 'found out.' I usually come home from work very drained. Depressed OR hypomanic. I UNDERSTAND faking it. It's hard work.
I can't imagine what it must be like to have to control your moods with an ex and a lot of 4 children. That sounds equally as taxing.
My depressions are also very debilitating.. I hope you are able to bounce out of this fog you are finding yourself in. I hope you are able to hold on to your supports- such as this blog and other supports- and hone that resiliency that is deep within you.
You have my support. Take care!!
Thanks for your kind words Jena, that's what I find so amazing still, and can't quite belieive it - there are actually people who KNOW what all this is like! (well, I knew but didn't really understand the impact) It's like I just stumbled upon a gold mine... It's sooo frustrating trying to make the people in my life understand what it's like.
Yes, it's amazingly hard trying to control my emotions with the daily stress of children etc. just as it is with trying to do so for hours on end at your work. But you do what you have to do. Sometimes I don't feel like I do a very good job, but I do what I can.
Thanks so much for understanding and for your support!!
Hi
I hang out at Jena's blog sometimes and came across you. I am with you ....I have faked this whole day away and the minute I got home and in my room I was done and lapsed into a drug induced nap for about an hour then just laid there and ...well laid there.I didn't want to be a mom or a woman or a worker or responsible in any way shape or form. I am exhausted from faking this "I'm OK, how are you?' stuff. The odd time I slip and my kids say ..."mom you look so sad, what's wrong?" Nothing I say. I have 3 kids they are all teens for this one year! I avoid my ex and refuse to communicate with him unless I'm forced to and then it is only texting. I suppose it will get better, things are still very raw and it has been only a year or so.
I don't think I am bipolar but I have never been diagnosed. I had a betrayal issue with a therapist and am not ready to go to a new one it seems like too much work to tell my 'story' to someone new. I am interested in your blog so I will be back. =)
"I'm so hoping this is just a temporary set-back and isn't leading to a major spiral down. The thought sends sparks of panic zipping through me."
I hear your fear - and that's the worst of it. If we could only go through our moods without having to worry so much about it!
I've learned that if we can trust - especially if we have a faith - it's easier to go with it - easier to believe that this is only temporary. But anxiety seems to be part and parcel of this disorder. When we think of what we've experienced in the past, that's understandable.
If you believe in God, Coco, you can trust that he'll be with you and keep you, no matter what happens. Please try not to feel afraid.
Hi Sandreamer, thanks for the comment...3 teens, wow. It is hard to hold it together for them isn't it? I'm glad you had the opportunity to lay there and recuperate from the day a bit. Or at least... just lay there. I hope you regain the trust and energy to start over and retell your story to someone new. There's hope, I know it.
Marya, thank you for hearing my fear and acknowleging it. Yes, I do believe in God, but I don't think we're overly close. He keeps tapping me on the shoulder, and I keep telling him I'll be with him... soon. And I have to keep reminding myself that he's here for me. You telling me these things is like a warm blanket being wrapped around me when I'm shivering in the corner. Thank you.
Hey Coco! I'm glad you decided to get your blog going again! Welcome to the family!! :)
One of the hardest parts of being bipolar for me is never knowing when I might plunge down. I am learning what I need to do to de-stress on a daily basis so that I can avoid the relapse if at all possible.
I'm going to add you to my blog roll, and I will be a frequent reader!! Thanks for your comments on my blog, too!!!
Thanks Paula! I really appreciate your support :)
hi coco, i;ve added you to my blogroll; and look forward to going along the journey with you. i'm currently dx bp2 and am grappling with removing xanax (a 9 year run on it for anxiety).
Take care,
Stephany at soulful sepulcher
Mom of 3 20somethings
Good for you that you are able to fake it. I can NEVER fake it! Sometimes once I get to work or get out with family I eventually come to life, but it is not by any effort on my part. It just kind of happens.
Dear Coco,
Sorry to hear that you may be on a downswing. For me, what helps is to identify if there are any triggers causing the depression, and if so to resolve them. If not, sometimes, it's got a seasonal element.
What I also do--when I feel a depression coming--is to spend as much time outdoors as possible, gardening or exercising.
But, most of all, I've learned not to give into the fear. I believe the anticipation of a depressive episode can hasten it coming on. So, I try to think positive thoughts, and try not to worry that it will happpen.
All my best!
Susan
Stephany, glad you're here! Removing Xanax, that's got to be a challenge. I'm tapering my Effexor and the discontinuation effects are brutal at times....
Preciousrock, thanks for the support... the faking it only comes into effect if I'm not too far down the spiral. There comes a time when it's just not possible.
Hi Susan, thanks for coming over! I really appreciate your suggestions, and sharing what sometimes works for you. You're a very caring person. :)
Thanks for your comment on my blog.
I suspect the difference between faking it til you make it, and simply not being able to do that might be the difference between mild depression and moderate depression. When it's mild we can think of distraction or pleasant actitivites to help ease the emotional distress and despair of depression, but it seems when it becomes moderate all good intentions fly out the window and we're left to just grit our teeth and get by the best we can.
coco,
I read at Bipolar Wellness Writer that you're tapering off Effexor. I just wanted to tell you how I did it in case it's helpful.
I opened capsules and subtracted pellets a few at a time. Every few days. If I started having symptoms I stopped until they were gone.
I tried to do it as my doctor suggested first---by 37.5 mg at a time and that was a nightmare. But when my husband had the idea of subtracting pellets very slowly and it worked like a charm.
I've heard of some people coming off effexor in as much as a years time because some people are so sensitive to the withdrawal.
good luck!
Hi Gianna :) Funny enough that's exactly how I'm doing it! So you're Effexor-free? And how long did it take you? I was on Zoloft for 8 yrs and now Effexor for 6. I've discovered from missing doses and from the doctor's increasing/decreasing doses etc. it's nasty 'discontinuation effects', and came to the conclusion that this pellet-counting is the only way it's going to happen if I'm going to be rid of this drug for good. Currently I'm opening 75mg. capsules and taking out about a third. I'm trying to hit the half-way mark betweethr 37.5 and the 75. Then I"ll continue to go down slowly from there. Thanks Gianna, for coming over and letting me know about your experience. Any feedback on this topic is more than welcome :)
Coco,
I am amazed that you and others have the patience to count those tiny little pellets, I don't think I could concentrate long enough to count them. Are you trying to wean yourself completely off meds, or are you planning to try another drug?
Well, I'm hoping to go med-free, and after 14 yrs, on AD's I'm petrified.
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