Phew... I'm glad what I thought was the beginning of a journey 'dooowwwwn' was merely the effects of pms. I seem to have been in a state of 'normal' the past week or so, which suits me fine. (Ok, hypomania would be far better, lets face it :)
I feel slightly agitated today actually for reasons unknown. Just a bit panicky about all the things I think I have to do. I have an 'inside' to do list and an 'outside' one, and they just seem to be getting longer each day. With things getting crossed off too infrequently. And then there's all the 'daily' or 'normal' things that need to be kept up with, that too often prevent me from getting to the 'extra' stuff on the lists. 
I find that sometimes all this will bother me greatly, and sometimes it's like water off a ducks back. It's during my hypomanias that I attack these lists with a vengeance.... get stuff accomplished, and feel great about it. And during depressions? Well I was going to say I couldn't care less about the state of undone tasks, but that's not really true... I think I care deeply, but am incapable of doing anything about it, so I take on it's weight of 'undoneness' along with the weight of everything else that's dragging me down. Right now it's more of a 'bugs under my skin' kind of bothering me.
And apparently I'm procrastinating.
Could it have something to do with the fact that as soon as I start something, some particular 3 year old will make demands for my attention. Getting her to 'help' with me works sometimes, but never for long, and she definitely hates me to get anything accomplished. And so it goes. Half-assed attempts at getting things done, and in the end, nothing much accomplished. In my good moments I just throw up my hands and move on to something she wants to do.... It's all about balance I know. Ideally I just dedicate an hour or 2 in the morning to getting stuff done and then devote the rest of the day to her. It doesn't always work out that way though. Then the kids arrive home off the bus, and that's the end of any productivity. Why do I care so much about being productive? Why do I feel like I'm in chains a lot of the time?
And then I start thinking of the things on the bigger to-do list. Like what to do with my life work-wise. I feel like such a failure sometimes. I've worked part-time at stupid little jobs during motherhood, but am currently not working. I have a bachelor's degree. And nothing to show for it. I'm doing my Bi 12 in case I want to go into nursing at some point. I think everyone thought I'd have some fabulous career by now. Instead I have 4 kids and a mood disorder. Yay Me.
Ok, Wow, this has turned into quite the pity party. But it felt good to get some of this out.
Now for some positivity and GRATITUDE!!
I'm grateful for my sweet 3 year old girl who is clever and has such an interest in nature & helps me to see the beauty in such simple, natural things. I love seeing life through her eyes!
I'm grateful for my 7yo boy... his tender heart...and the close attention he pays to detail, his real need to 'do things right' I respect him in so many ways, and can see the man of integrity he is going to be. (Just please. Stop picking your NOSE!)
I'm grateful for my sensitive 9yo girl. What a pureheart kind of gal. Her intuition has always astounded me... she just knows when someone needs a kind word or is silently hurting and in need of a warm body to snuggle.
I'm grateful for my getting-taller-than-me 14yo boy. I LOVE this guy. We've always been so close, and it's not changing a bit as he ages. I'm loving his interest in things of the mind.... how he wants to be a hypnotherapist.... his interest in reading books about the Law of Attraction... and his inclination to get me to read these things too. And I'm REALLY grateful that he loves him some TEA! He's always got the kettle on! (Just Please. Could you get up EARLIER than 5 minutes before we have to leave? And do you REALLY need to boss the others around so much? Just checking.) 
Ok, and I'm also thankful for my dear husband who puts up with me with such Patience. And folds laundry so NEATLY. Seriously, it looks like he spent some time at Laundry Folding College or something, his skill is that great. I can't even come close to his skill.
And not lastly, (because I have so many other people and things to be grateful for), but lastly for now, I am grateful for my Mother. I think. ;) Ok, yes, yes I am. She is so very understanding of what I've been going through over the years and is dedicated to helping in whatever way she can. Although a bit panicky at times (and overbearing maybe a wee bit?). But I can't blame her. Her experience in matters of depression is tainted by my sister's suicide in the '80's. But that's another post.
Okay, I'm feeling a bit better! I'm going to go and vacuum my living room to reduce that creepy crawly feeling I have about it, and then take my girl for a little nature walk. And I will not feel like a failure, because I have a feeling that I'm a pretty big success in her eyes at least.
7 comments:
You articulate the undone chores during the depressive phases very well. I hate that feeling, you're paralyzed and things to do are building up and it causes an itchy feeling.
As for the pms related stuff, HELLO, story of my life. It's been the major trend of my blog it seems.
I was really encouraged to read about the positive qualities in your kids and husband. I hope that one day I can have a great family. Right now i have the great job and the mood disorder, and no family. I think i'd rather have the family than the great job...
i haven't vaccumed in a month! don't tell.:)
Wow, it sounds like we are so much alike -- even to the timing of the menstrual cycle, lol. I have a tea drinking son, also. When he left here three years ago he was a coffee hound, but now he's all tea and even knows all the names and varieties. The one thing I lack that you have is the understanding husband. I am single and don't think there is any man in the world that could be understanding enough to put up with me. I'm a pretty strange cookie.
Hey everyone,
Did you know that Stephany has not vacuumed in a month?? Wow!!! LOL
Jena, maybe one day you'll have both :) I really wish I had started out with the job though so I would have something to go back to, instead of starting from scratch.
Stephany... well, if I wasn't looking at the floor shrapnel of 4 (ok hubby makes 5) messy creatures (oh and cat hair too, so 6) I think I would join the Monthly Vacuum Club too. One day! Save me a spot :)
Preciousrock, you're a gem (haha get it?) Love that you have a tea-drinking son too! Here's to tea and strange cookies!!
It's amazing how moods are influenced by what we think, isn't it??!! When you started to be thankful and see all the great things in your family members, your mood lightened. There's something said about being grateful...
And, I TOTALLY understand the nose picking thing. GROSS! My daughter, who'll be 7 in August is the same. Actually, both my kids are. Any ideas on how to get them to QUIT IT ALREADY!!!???
P.J. - Nose Picking. I've tried all I can think of! It's only my 7yo son who makes an all-out hobby of it. I usually will make him go get a kleenex. It's the sheer repitition that gets to me! And sometimes we're not near tissues! If we're in public or around other people I usually will say DPYN! Our little code acronym. Maybe I'll start saying the actual words and the embarrasment will get him to stop. I think actually he's just getting to the phase where he's becoming more self-conscious of it and 'being gross' is becoming 'not cool'. Yay, I hope I'm right. If that's the case, and it's a developmental thing, then you don't have long to wait! :) Maybe I should Google it. That would tick him off as he claims I Google Everything :)
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