For us, there's shopping we do in the small city where we live, and then there's shopping you save for when you go into the bigger city nearby. There's not really a whole lot of selection where we live, although it grates me to not support local business.... especially small business. Whatever. I can't let it eat me up, as that seems to not be the best choice for me right now.

So we took the drive yesterday and got some of the shopping tasks taken care of that were building on our list. Brad and I have one day off together per week, and often we spend it doing errands. Boring, I know. But I kind of take comfort and even enjoy our little jaunts about town and beyond. Our daugher does too. They're more often than not punctuated by treats like lunch out, or Timmy stops.

I overestimated things yesterday though. Not far into it, the energy I had on reserve ran completely out, and I had to stay in the car for the rest of the errands. Luckily Brad was very understanding and just took right over. Kind of make a game of it with our daughter. I love his way with her. I hadn't even the energy to talk, and was way too close to tears for comfort. Efforts to talk myself out of it failed miserably.

I'm trying not to see this as failure of me as a person, but as my body and mind just letting me know the limits of what I'm capable of during this particular depression.

How I'm going to return to work tomorrow and get through a day is beyond me. Somehow I did it last week. Not without some funny looks, not without some extreme physical exhaustion, not without retreats to the restroom to try and squeeze tears back in. I just really hope I don't have a melt down and really embarrass myself.

Maybe I need to take a week or so off until I get this under control. I don't know. In a way it kind of helps to be forced to get up, shower, dress, and fake my way through a day. It helps in one way, but it hurts in another; as in I think it's depleting my reserves.

I'll carry on for now. 6 more days and my doctor will be back.

....but it pours

I know everyone must be dying to know how my mood has been lately, so I'm here to report that it has been as normal as normal can be. I'm feeling eerily centred, and calm lately; so much so that, even though I'm soaking all this normal right up, I'm a little suspicious at the same time.

I was half expecting the sleepless nights and constant caretaking of late to catch up with me, and send me for a header. Didn't happen.

And today has been one big ball of stressful situations, yet here I am near midnight, all serenity. I think I might be overtired. Maybe I'm 'over' everthing, to the point of being numbed out a bit.

I started work today. Had to leave my precious darlings with someone else all day. That was pretty darned hard. Work was hard. I think I sprained my brain. And my hip. Can you sprain a hip?

I started my period today. Does anyone else's body feels like it weighs about double, and like you're trying to move this mass of a double-weighing body through thick sludge? Just wondering. (Although I feel like quite a wimp compared to what some people have to endure each month, I know I've got it pretty easy).

My step-daughter (Brandy, 16) has come to stay for 10 days today. This was sprung on me at the last minute (like last night as I'm trying to organize the kids beach bags etc. for the sitter in the morning) , as my husband claims he 'hasn't had a chance' to discuss it with me.

The step-daughter and I? We do not get along. She has lived with us for the past 3 years until recently, and I was just getting used to her not being here. She is a big-time trigger for my mood shifts, and I am hoping I can use every trick in my bag to keep an emotional distance and not go there.

My son is mad at me. His father (my ex) and I were having a phone conversation about him in which we were fretting over the group of kids he is hanging out with lately, and in particular his girlfriend. Some things were said that we would have refrained from saying in his presence.

He was on the other extention listening to the whole thing.

I found out after I hung up, at which point we had a long discussion and he cried a lot. He was very hurt. He should not have been eavesdropping and he got a lecture on that. Waters were smoothed. Somewhat. I'm worried about him. 14 is scary.

Please forgive me if I don't come by your blog in the next few days. Or if I do, and not comment. I'm feeling a need to draw into myself a bit and maintain my centre.

Have I told you lately that I think you're wonderful and I'm glad we're bloggity friends? I do. And I am.

I think the Tylenol is finally starting to kick in.... nighty night.