....but it pours

I know everyone must be dying to know how my mood has been lately, so I'm here to report that it has been as normal as normal can be. I'm feeling eerily centred, and calm lately; so much so that, even though I'm soaking all this normal right up, I'm a little suspicious at the same time.

I was half expecting the sleepless nights and constant caretaking of late to catch up with me, and send me for a header. Didn't happen.

And today has been one big ball of stressful situations, yet here I am near midnight, all serenity. I think I might be overtired. Maybe I'm 'over' everthing, to the point of being numbed out a bit.

I started work today. Had to leave my precious darlings with someone else all day. That was pretty darned hard. Work was hard. I think I sprained my brain. And my hip. Can you sprain a hip?

I started my period today. Does anyone else's body feels like it weighs about double, and like you're trying to move this mass of a double-weighing body through thick sludge? Just wondering. (Although I feel like quite a wimp compared to what some people have to endure each month, I know I've got it pretty easy).

My step-daughter (Brandy, 16) has come to stay for 10 days today. This was sprung on me at the last minute (like last night as I'm trying to organize the kids beach bags etc. for the sitter in the morning) , as my husband claims he 'hasn't had a chance' to discuss it with me.

The step-daughter and I? We do not get along. She has lived with us for the past 3 years until recently, and I was just getting used to her not being here. She is a big-time trigger for my mood shifts, and I am hoping I can use every trick in my bag to keep an emotional distance and not go there.

My son is mad at me. His father (my ex) and I were having a phone conversation about him in which we were fretting over the group of kids he is hanging out with lately, and in particular his girlfriend. Some things were said that we would have refrained from saying in his presence.

He was on the other extention listening to the whole thing.

I found out after I hung up, at which point we had a long discussion and he cried a lot. He was very hurt. He should not have been eavesdropping and he got a lecture on that. Waters were smoothed. Somewhat. I'm worried about him. 14 is scary.

Please forgive me if I don't come by your blog in the next few days. Or if I do, and not comment. I'm feeling a need to draw into myself a bit and maintain my centre.

Have I told you lately that I think you're wonderful and I'm glad we're bloggity friends? I do. And I am.

I think the Tylenol is finally starting to kick in.... nighty night.

By Your Side

Sade - By Your Side
Uploaded by sayit

"Since 1984, Sade has made a career out of crooning smoky romantic odes; her first single in eight years is no different. Over a sharply produced, folksy groove, the Brit chanteuse crafts a guitar-driven declaration of resolute affection. As comforting as the love it describes". Craig Seymour

Lyrics

I feel this song in my gut.

After I had my firstborn Jordy, I had severe post-partum depression. I was medicated, and so began my journey into motherhood. I used to rock him to sleep in his little bedroom during his first year or so. I was often tense, and desperately wanting him to go to sleep. He was a very intense and perceptive little guy who picked up on my vibes very easily. The thought soon crossed my mind that we both needed some music to relax. He had a little Fisher Price tape recorder, and I searched our collection of cassettes to find something that was slow and sleepy. (Going out and buying a lullaby tape was not an option, as we were barely able to make ends meet at that time). So I came across our Sade 'Lovers Rock' cassette, and it became his 'bedtime music'. It became so familiar and comforting to both of us. Most of the songs were true lullaby magic.

Tonight, I had just drifted off in bed when my younger son Drake started crying. He's still unwell from 'The Virus', and his sleep is troubled. He suffers from night terrors where he talks to me and cries about things, but is not awake at all. I usually have to bring in a cold cloth and gently wake him up; sometimes it takes awhile. He was frightened when he finally settled down, so I decided to climb up onto his top bunk and snuggle him back to sleep.

I rustled the covers around to get them just right, and settled into the silence; only, right... he sleeps with his radio playing softly to that channel that plays 'love songs' at night. The sounds of Sade's rich, comforting voice drifted up to me, and I instantly felt myself smiling sleepily and snuggling even deeper into Drake's back. Listening...and thinking...and feeling.

As well as bring back memories of that difficult, yet deeply tender time, this song also represents to me the kind of woman I'm striving to become. The strong inner core I'm trying to develop... this woman is so self-assured; she has a natural, strong, inner beauty. And a huge capacity for love. When I listen to it, the core of me feels full and content, yet I feel the heavy, bittersweet tug of yearning; It feels very strongly like this is my soul yearning for the woman in here I have yet to find and love.

14

Happy 14th Birthday Jordy!

You will never know

how much you have impressed

this mother who has tried

and tried

to understand you

you are your own universe

yet you make mine

so complete

the joy

the sunshine
the quirky humour

you love your family

so much

your siblings

your tea

your friends

your 'get togethers'

Love has a good home

in you

this mother

the many doubts and fears

I carry

yet I know you understand me

on a level that know one

ever

has

You

are beautiful.

I love you Jojo

Happy Birthday

Love Mom xox