By Your Side

Sade - By Your Side
Uploaded by sayit

"Since 1984, Sade has made a career out of crooning smoky romantic odes; her first single in eight years is no different. Over a sharply produced, folksy groove, the Brit chanteuse crafts a guitar-driven declaration of resolute affection. As comforting as the love it describes". Craig Seymour

Lyrics

I feel this song in my gut.

After I had my firstborn Jordy, I had severe post-partum depression. I was medicated, and so began my journey into motherhood. I used to rock him to sleep in his little bedroom during his first year or so. I was often tense, and desperately wanting him to go to sleep. He was a very intense and perceptive little guy who picked up on my vibes very easily. The thought soon crossed my mind that we both needed some music to relax. He had a little Fisher Price tape recorder, and I searched our collection of cassettes to find something that was slow and sleepy. (Going out and buying a lullaby tape was not an option, as we were barely able to make ends meet at that time). So I came across our Sade 'Lovers Rock' cassette, and it became his 'bedtime music'. It became so familiar and comforting to both of us. Most of the songs were true lullaby magic.

Tonight, I had just drifted off in bed when my younger son Drake started crying. He's still unwell from 'The Virus', and his sleep is troubled. He suffers from night terrors where he talks to me and cries about things, but is not awake at all. I usually have to bring in a cold cloth and gently wake him up; sometimes it takes awhile. He was frightened when he finally settled down, so I decided to climb up onto his top bunk and snuggle him back to sleep.

I rustled the covers around to get them just right, and settled into the silence; only, right... he sleeps with his radio playing softly to that channel that plays 'love songs' at night. The sounds of Sade's rich, comforting voice drifted up to me, and I instantly felt myself smiling sleepily and snuggling even deeper into Drake's back. Listening...and thinking...and feeling.

As well as bring back memories of that difficult, yet deeply tender time, this song also represents to me the kind of woman I'm striving to become. The strong inner core I'm trying to develop... this woman is so self-assured; she has a natural, strong, inner beauty. And a huge capacity for love. When I listen to it, the core of me feels full and content, yet I feel the heavy, bittersweet tug of yearning; It feels very strongly like this is my soul yearning for the woman in here I have yet to find and love.

Boost

The need for silence is gone, thanks for helping me regain my balance! Not sure what that was all about and haven't had a lot of time for reflection, so I'll have to put it to one side for now. I know I was furiously mad at myself, very agitated etc etc. It gets boring sometimes repeating the same old list of symptoms. I know that this morning and yesterday I have been very 'active' so not sure, but may be headed towards hypomania after this relatively long stretch of hypomania which then turned to baseline/normal for the last while.

I have a very strong suspicion that the support and kind words I recieve here are making a huge difference in heading off bad things. I know I didn't have enough support in my life before, due to shutting people out and basically emotionally cocooning. This is big for me, and I consider myself so, so lucky to have found all of you here.

Drake is still not able to go to school because of his mouth pain and fever. It's the Herpes Virus.. mouth version of course... which in it's initial outbreak in children can be absolutely horrendous, with sores all throughout the mouth, fever, vomiting. This is my third child now with this as Jord had it when he was the same age. And that's what Lucy just got over. I'm suspecting they picked it up from my Mom who get's the odd outbreak of cold sores so must be a carrier of the virus. Don't tell here though, she'd feel mortified that she was the root of such pain and suffering! ;) Must run & get more 'Boost' for the invalid.

Mom & Drake last Christmas

How I Spent My Saturday

I always think that other people lead a much more exciting life than I do. It's one of those things I always catch myself thinking, and then try to correct. As in 'I'm sure there's SOME poor souls out there with as boring a life as me'. Maybe it's all an illusion that everyone else is having a better time. I really don't DISLIKE the life I lead... I actually find it comforting and satisfying in many ways.

I suppose it's simply that I fear judgement. Like I SHOULD be doing this or that. Even without sick kids, I tend to minimize the things I do; I think it's a safety thing. Like trying to minimize the possibility that something will trigger a depression. I'm shaking that internal critic more and more, but really I'm still my own worst judge. And in small ways I think I'm actually trying to spread my wings a bit more, but I don't like to be pushed.

So how did I spend my Saturday? Doing the same few things over and over again! Even I was starting to numb out from the monotonous repitition. These things included: fetching drinks from the kitchen, fetching food from the kitchen, playing on the laptop, reading to Lucy and Drake, putting in kid's movies, fetching drinks from the kitchen, fetching food from the..... you get the idea. Poor guy is still in high fever mode, so it was just drinks for him. And of course he wants me to be physically close - like in the same room. Lucy is a bottomless pit today, and I seemed to be craving all kinds of bad things which I guiltily indulged in. I think it was the boredom.


I'm missing Tasha's Dance Recital today. I feel like such a horrible parent. Luckily her Dad and brother Jordy, and lots of other relatives are there to make her feel special. I'll get to see the DVD, but obviously it's not the same. I hope she forgives me some day. I did get to do her stage makeup for the rehearsals and studio pictures earlier this week, so at least I was a part of it somehow. I dislike seeing little girls in makeup, but I think it turned out ok... it's just a part of being a performer I guess. Too bad the camera and/or camera operator kind of sucks :s



So that was my day. Here's the sickey's visual update. Still very hot. Still very horizontal. But at least he has Teddy. Aka, Tedward. He said today, 'Mom, don't you feel sorry for me that I missed my field trip on Friday?' lol. Yes, indeed I do, as it was Beach Day. The whole school closes down and they spend the day at a local beach. Tasha got to go though. Hopefully she won't rub it in his face later on (in classic sibling rivalry style ;)

Sick Pictures

^ Day 0 - A trip to the 'playpark' makes a happy happy girl ^

^Day 1 - Starting to feel a bit 'yucky'- the nail picking increases^

^Day 2-8 - Miserable. Not even her beloved blue & yellow blanket ('bing') can bring comfort...^

^Day 9 - A bit perkier; out of jammies at least, and back to picking out her own interesting style combos^

^Cool^

^Cooler^

^Hot^

^Hotter^

To be continued....

Stay tuned for the next episode, in which the answer to the burning question: 'Will Drake regain his cool?' is reveiled. (and stop groaning, I've heard enough of that lately)