Possible Reason's I'm Edgy:
- 2 cream-filled doughnuts after supper. The little girl next door came over bearing a box of Tim Horton's. Sweet sweet girl.
- I'm still hypomanic. Need I expound on this? ;)
- My father called, drunk, offering money. This always makes me edgy, as I never know what to say. Sometimes I say 'call me when you're sober', sometimes I agree to the offer and then feel guilty later. I don't know what to do this time. We need the money. But obviously I feel that it crosses a line with me. Long story. Alcoholic fathers are a pain in the ass and the source of much grief. Maybe you know this.
- My husband is a nurse. So what you say? Sometimes I get all freaked out because he works with so many women.
- I've been offered a full-time job. It came looking for me. Well, my old boss did, who now works for a new company. I've done this kind of work as 'sanity break' work when the kids were younger...first marriage... not sure I want to go back to it (the work, not the marriage lol). I have a B.A., I should be using it for goodness sake! *sigh* But it's 3 blocks away and the pay is more than decent. I may just take it for those reasons alone.
- Freaked out about the complicated lining up of child care and rearranging of things this would entail.
- Really freaked out about leaving my 3 year old, Lucy, with anyone. Major abandonment/attachment issues of my own rear their ugly heads. Plus she's so very attached to hubby and I. We're her world.
- Worried about when and if I'll crash. Will I be able to outrun depression? Will I be able to function through a job if it catches up with me? Will I be able to cope with the normal demands of juggling a job/kids/family even? I've done it before, but it seems so long ago, and things were really very different. Amazing how when kids get older their schedules get so much more complicated and time-consuming...in a different way than when they're younger. Lots more running around. Much more juggling. And of course my mental/emotional state has become much more difficult to control/predict.
- Pdoc appt. tomorrow. Mom has offered to make a day of it with me. It's a 2.5 hour drive one way. Should be fun, actually, as we havent had a day out together in forever. And we have family there to visit (our original hometown, well, city). Nervous about the doctor's appt. though. Why, I don't know. Not even sure why I'm going except he said he wanted to see me in 3 weeks. He knows I'm not taking the Lamictal and am tapering the Effexor. I'm just feeling all scrambled about the visit. Pdocs = drugs to me, so if I'm not going to do the drugs any more, why does he want to see me? Maybe I'm off base.
- I'm feeling confused. And now teary. I think I need to sleep, but am so wired. Maybe some crosswords.
- As my effexor is slowly decreasing, I'm realizing that I'm still grieving my failed marriage. I have a huge pile of grief there to process. I still love him. and still hate him, and still.... lots to work through. And it's been 5 years.
The worries may attack once in a while, but I still have perspective. I'm fine. This is normal life kind of stuff, and I'm capable of taking it all on. As long as I remain stable. I am so eager to remain stable, I almost feel desperate. I need to just relax. Breathe. Be.
6 comments:
Oh, Coco, it sounds like you have so much on your plate right now! I can relate to everything you wrote here...I get edgy and anxious when I have so many things running around in my head, too.
I agree about the alcoholic fathers. They can be a real pain. My mother keeps a pretty tight leash on my dad, but he still slips now and then.
The job sounds promising, but I can understand how torn you must feel. I would have had a very hard time leaving my kids when they were small. My daughter had terrible separation anxiety (just like her mother!).
Don't feel bad about still grieving for your first marriage. We all process these things differently, and in the scheme of things, five years is not that long. And if you were on psych meds at the time and in the time since, it may well be that you haven't really had the emotional capacity to process it.
Take your own advice, dear Coco--relax, breath, be...and let that be enough for a little while.
*hugs* to you.
--Jazz
Dear Coco,
Here you've been worrying about what to post, and it's come flooding out and lets us all know how you feel.
I agree with Jazz that there's so much on your plate. The best I can say Coco is, "You're right. Breathe. Hold the breathe. Breathe short and breathe long. Breathe in and let the breaths help calm you so can think about each item on your plate in a thoughtful way. Breathe out so slowly that you expel all the tension and don't think about anything else but the sound of your breaths."
And then visualize hugs from Jazz and from me and from all your readers and friends. And you'll figure this out!
Susan
Wow, my dear Coco, sounds like you have a couple two three things on your mind, with finances being at the root of several of them. Money issues are always tough especially when they leave you forced to compromise on important priorities like family and your mental health. I suggest that you have a couple more of those cream filled donuts while you are breathing and being and deciding. :-) Don't be hard on yourself for being edgy, girl. You have alot of decisions to make right now. And, yeah, I can't say I would feel very comfortable with my husband (if I had one, lol) being a nurse. On the other hand there are many husbands of nurses, and I wonder if they feel the same way or if they don't even think about it?? Your pdoc probably just wants to monitor your med reduction and make sure you are doing ok, I wouldn't over think that one.
P.S. Don't forget the donuts! ;-)
You guys are so sweet. I cried through reading these amazing shows of support. Crying feels so good sometimes. Thank you. You're right. I'm going to focus, for now, on relaxing, breathing and being. And eating doughnuts ;)
Hi,
Well, coming from the land of overwhelming worry, I send you a hug here too. Just from reading my blog you probably know i've got lots of worries, and fears and how they can take over...it is quite overwhelming what you described and a perfect brain buzzer is what I call it when it happens to me. My mind attempts to solve all of the problems all at once until I cannot think to even take walk.
Just try and break it into pieces , and think about one at a time if possible. Your husband is a nurse, but he chooses to be with you, your 3 year old and you will be fine though the separation anxiety is all too real (been there)I guess I just am trying to say I can relate (except I do not miss for one minute my ex)to this, and want you to know you are not alone.
Thanks Stephany, your kind words mean a lot to me and make me feel understood; they feel like a big hug.
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