Possible Reason's I'm Edgy:
- 2 cream-filled doughnuts after supper. The little girl next door came over bearing a box of Tim Horton's. Sweet sweet girl.
- I'm still hypomanic. Need I expound on this? ;)
- My father called, drunk, offering money. This always makes me edgy, as I never know what to say. Sometimes I say 'call me when you're sober', sometimes I agree to the offer and then feel guilty later. I don't know what to do this time. We need the money. But obviously I feel that it crosses a line with me. Long story. Alcoholic fathers are a pain in the ass and the source of much grief. Maybe you know this.
- My husband is a nurse. So what you say? Sometimes I get all freaked out because he works with so many women.
- I've been offered a full-time job. It came looking for me. Well, my old boss did, who now works for a new company. I've done this kind of work as 'sanity break' work when the kids were younger...first marriage... not sure I want to go back to it (the work, not the marriage lol). I have a B.A., I should be using it for goodness sake! *sigh* But it's 3 blocks away and the pay is more than decent. I may just take it for those reasons alone.
- Freaked out about the complicated lining up of child care and rearranging of things this would entail.
- Really freaked out about leaving my 3 year old, Lucy, with anyone. Major abandonment/attachment issues of my own rear their ugly heads. Plus she's so very attached to hubby and I. We're her world.
- Worried about when and if I'll crash. Will I be able to outrun depression? Will I be able to function through a job if it catches up with me? Will I be able to cope with the normal demands of juggling a job/kids/family even? I've done it before, but it seems so long ago, and things were really very different. Amazing how when kids get older their schedules get so much more complicated and time-consuming...in a different way than when they're younger. Lots more running around. Much more juggling. And of course my mental/emotional state has become much more difficult to control/predict.
- Pdoc appt. tomorrow. Mom has offered to make a day of it with me. It's a 2.5 hour drive one way. Should be fun, actually, as we havent had a day out together in forever. And we have family there to visit (our original hometown, well, city). Nervous about the doctor's appt. though. Why, I don't know. Not even sure why I'm going except he said he wanted to see me in 3 weeks. He knows I'm not taking the Lamictal and am tapering the Effexor. I'm just feeling all scrambled about the visit. Pdocs = drugs to me, so if I'm not going to do the drugs any more, why does he want to see me? Maybe I'm off base.
- I'm feeling confused. And now teary. I think I need to sleep, but am so wired. Maybe some crosswords.
- As my effexor is slowly decreasing, I'm realizing that I'm still grieving my failed marriage. I have a huge pile of grief there to process. I still love him. and still hate him, and still.... lots to work through. And it's been 5 years.
The worries may attack once in a while, but I still have perspective. I'm fine. This is normal life kind of stuff, and I'm capable of taking it all on. As long as I remain stable. I am so eager to remain stable, I almost feel desperate. I need to just relax. Breathe. Be.
