Sunday, June 22, 2008
Silence
Woke up struggling. The fog is coming, and I think if only my bathrooms are clean, so I attack one of them with a vengeance, then give up. It's clean, it feels good, but it's not enough. My brain buzzes. It short-circuits. It must have been god's plan that I can't attend the party my sister is throwing for my son and all the nearby birthdays. I wouldn't be able to cope. Can't attend because of Drake's virus. They (Jordy and Tasha) are with their dad this weekend anyway, and he made sure Jord had a good birthday breakfast etc. etc. I'm the 'spare' parent lately it seems. Only good enough to tend to sick kids. But before my sister's party my ex and gf brought Jordy and Tasha over so we could give him his bd gift. He was happy. Tasha was teary... not enough sleep from all the dance craziness. I felt inadequate. Spacey. Yet urgent. I just want to sit. Movement makes me unsettled and anxious. My brain lags behind. Everybody has brains which is a thought that freaks me out sometimes. 'No Lucy, mommy can't take you outside right now. Daddy? Daddy's at work remember? He'll be home when you're in bed. Tomorrow Daddy will be home all day, and he can take you to the park. Mommy will come too, it will be fun!' Right now is too loud. Jazz talked about this. Why can't everything come with an off button. The dishwasher...whoosh whoosh whoosh whoosh... the t.v. hahaha blah blah hahaha... eeek...blah blah.... my son....why do I have to miss the party... my daughter natter natter natter natter natter. I could off the tv but I need it to take the pressure off me right now. My daughter's requests are driving me bananas. Can I have this can i have that. The messes that need tending to immediately. Can I watch my boo's clues movie, no mom i hate blue's clues it's for baby's - how about spider man? The requests, the questions, the requests, the questions... when I just want to hide. Everything has layers of gauze over it, maybe it's the brain that's wrapped in gauze. Yet some things penetrate too well. The perky look on the brighter side stupid bitch can go to hell. (me not you) I hate her right now. Dumbass Pollyanna. She just doesn't feel the real pain that's there, so what the flip does she know. Yet maybe she'll be back tomorrow, she does helps me survive. The show must go on right? And it's almost bedtime. I can sleep this away. Hopefully. At least there'll be some silence.
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8 comments:
Ooooh, I know about the fog and feeling it coming. Hang in there and ride it out. You are not a dumbass Pollyanna or a dumbass of any kind. You are my sweet, fun-loving Coco who is going through a tough one. Hope you manage to sleep it off.
Dear Coco,
I think that the most difficult part of this entire illness was how terrible I felt when I missed my son's milestones.
Luckily, I usually felt well during his birthdays. But there were so many things I felt he missed because I was sick, and I felt so much worse for having missed them. There were vacations we had to cancel, and parties we couldn't attend...and so much more.
Alas...now that I'm mostly feeling well, I'm getting over it. But, at the time, I felt so much guilt and I felt so bad for my son that it was overwhelming!
Susan
*hugs* Coco.
I've been there.
Hope it gets better soon.
Wow, Coco! What a tough time you're having! Hang in there, girl. It WILL come to an end and you will have peace again. Waiting patiently is the hard part, though. I know.
Hope you find a quiet corner now and then - all for yourself.
I understand the nagging and constant requests from children!! I, too, feel sometimes that kids came with a mute botton, or that life came with a pause button just so I could lay down for some time of peace.
Everything seems too loud - I get ya, girl.
Hope you find some quiet time and get plenty of rest. Try going to the bathroom, and just sitting on the floor with your ears plugged and the light off for 5 minutes. Sometimes that's all it takes to refocus.
((Coco)) for all the hugs you've given me, it's my turn to return the favour. I don't have kids and i don't even spend time at home these days since i'm basically living in a facility, but I wanted to comment on an aspect of your writing! I really enjoyed your description of the TV and your daughter and the dishwasher. It painted such colourful picture. I found that even though I don't live in the same circumstances as you, you illustrate your situations so vividly. You've got great talent. xoxo
I've missed my 2 older daughters entire college careers, barely pulled through the last 6 months,feel and have told my 2 oldest daughters i am sorry for being absent. the hardest part is knowing they are functioning better than i am.
((HUGS)) you aren't alone.
preciousrock, you are so sweet; thanks for being there for me.
Susan, it's a relief to know that you understand that guilt as well. Even though it's not our fault, it's just there.
Jazz, thanks for the hug, they, honest to god, do help don't they? ;)
Marja, I was told once as a teenager (by another teenager) to never pray for patience as you would recieve all kinds of trials for practice ;) It's certainly one of the most valuable things to have I've found though as an adult. And takes some working on a lot of the time! Thanks Marja.
P.J. I knew you could relate in a real-time way, being in a similar situation at this time in life. It helps to know we're not alone hey? Thanks for the tip, I'm going to try it out. Just a chance to refocus - it makes sense.
Jena, I'm so grateful for your comment. I know you're going through so much turmoil right now, that I feel amazed that these little glitches I have can bring me to my knees like they do, and that you're right there to support me! You're amazing sweety, and I thank God for you, and pray for your wellness daily. (((thank you Jena)))
Stephany, you know the feeling of missing out, and the pain of the 'absence guilt'. I hope your daughters understand how hard this has been for you and cut you some slack for it all. You inspire me constantly. (((Thank You Stephany)))
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