Flowers & Head Banging

Yay Day 6! I'm really loving this. Energy, optimism, feelin' the love for my kids.... THIS is how I want to be most of the time. I'd even take 75% of the time. But, I'm just going to enjoy today for what it is. In fact I'm going to spend some time in my yard today, with my daughter, nurturing and enjoying some of my beautiful flowers, in honour of Stephany who has given me a Flower Smelling Award! Yay! Thank you Stephany! I might even have a lilac bush out there in the back corner of the yard. This is the first Spring we've been in this house and I'm still figuring it all out... AND I've never paid much attention to gardeny things, but I'm really ready to learn. Learn and appreciate. It's like my eyes are opening to some beautiful things I just have never known how to appreciate and connect with before. Or maybe, I just wasn't capable of. Ok, so I will announce the 5 blogs I would like to pass this award on to asap.

Edited to add: Preciousrock of 'One Bipolar Life' has kindly passed on the award as well! Thank you Preciousrock!! This brings up the question of passing it on...can I now pass it on to ten? Anyone know? This is fun!

In other news, I came across this lovely image and thought it was perfect to add to the list of 'stress busters' people have been brainstorming about, inspired by Susan's recent post:

I am in no way trying to trivialize or poke fun at stress, or people's pain AT ALL, but can I just say that the above technique has indeed worked for me on several occasions? When all else fails of course.

And one more thing. Can I ask your opinion on something? I've often thought, woudn't it be nice to share a photo of so and so doing such and such, or a photo of myself and so and so, but have hesitated due to the whole internet privacy thing, and also the fear of images being scooped by pedophiles and the like. Do you think this is over the top kind of thinking? I mean, really, can people search for my blog by images and 'discover me' based on that? (I've heard of that kind of technology in the making). What do you think? The occasional benign photo? Or stick to 'anonymous as all costs' . I should really do some research on this topic. Any thoughts?

Tired But Wired

All I can think of to say is: 'Wow'. Not only do you people know firsthand the depths of what I'm feeling, but you are incredibly sweet and supportive. I'm shocked. At my worst I was convinced that half of you hated me. Or thought my opinions worthless. How can thinking become so twisted? I want to respond to each of your comments in this post, so you don't miss my appreciation for your wonderfulness.


As far as my ride has gone, well, in a nutshell, the lazy, useless, obnoxious houseguests slowly packed their bags and were out by Saturday evening. mmb'bye. And stay out! D'ya think I slammed the door?


Sunday I raced around here higher than a kite, doing stuff we needed to get done around the house and yard: preparing for a garage sale next weekend, so pricing, sorting through boxes etc., (please let my energy last until the garage sale is over), learned how to weed-eat and mow the lawn and did both, gardened for 2 hours, make a few dozen mini quiches for the freezer so hubby can take them for his lunches.... you know, the usual hypomanic stuff; and by midnight I was still raring to go - despite the huge blisters on my hands (my usual bedtime is 9pm). (3 of my 4 kids were with their dad for the weekend in case you're wondering how I managed that!) Also talked my hubby's ear off about anything and everything (I'm not the talkative type normally) That's another bonus of the 3 being at their dad's, I can actually talk! As in, get a word in edge-wise!



Today finds me still hypomanic, but with a side of irritability. I got really worked up and angry with my hubby today for something kind of crazy: he answered a call from my sister while I was in the shower, and told her it was ok for her to pop by for a visit later this afternoon (when he would be at work). Yeah, I know, crazy. When he told me though, I just saw red! I felt betrayed. This is a sister that I find hard to be around, and have to be in the perfect mood for her not to trigger me. He knows this, but I guess he thought that I was on an upswing, so it would be fine. He didn't know yet that today's upswing comes with a bonus feature: hissing & scratching. Bless his soul though, he sometimes just doesn't know which end is up, and I wish I could tell him, but can't because it's changing so fast sometimes.. How did God give him so much patience? He amazes me.


Anyway, the visit was fine because: it was brief, the kids did most of the visiting/chatting with her, and I was able to maintain an emotional distance. Yay me. Sister of the Year. Anyway, I do what I can do.


SO! Onto your comments...



Marya said: If you could keep with things that will be absorbing, that might help - stuff you enjoy - anything to keep those thoughts from invading. Would that be something you could do?


Marya, thank you for that suggestion. I just felt too despondent to do much of anything. But you're right, sometimes, I can keep the feelings at bay if I get absorbed in something that takes all my attention. Sometimes knitting, sometimes helping with a school project, that kind of thing. When I worked part-time a few years ago, that was often a helpful distraction. Now, I don't know if I could, as the cycling has become so much more rapid.


Shiv said: These are difficult emotions but you have painted the picture so beautifully! ~Shiv
Thank you Shiv, I consider that high praise, indeed.


Jena said: Oh, Coco. I am so sorry to hear of your pain. I hope you start to feel better soon. You'll be in my thoughts and prayers! PS-I have to agree with Shiv!
Thank you so much Jena, I really appreciate your kindness. :)

Susan said: Dear Coco,So sorry to read that you feeling so bad. Do you think it has anything to do with cutting back on your medication or going off the Lamictal? Your post today is one of the reasons I worry about posting about alternatives to medication. You see, I never feel the way you have described yourself. That's why I think that perhaps I was misdiagnosed. Your feelings seem to be common (although so thoughtfully expressed) among other people within the bipolar community.Anyway, I just wondered whether medication helps you feel differently than this. And I also want to let you know that my thoughts and prayers are with you!Susan

Susan, the medication. I just don't know. It's something I'm very confused about right now. All I know is that I feel robbed of the last 14 years of my life. On antidepressants I have felt like nothing. Like I needed to wake up and feel something, but I couldn't... numb. Like there was a chemical straight jacket on my feelings. The most precious years of my children's lives, I feel like I've lost. I want to feel. Sometimes I think that if it means cycling like this, then that's what it will have to be... as long as I'm able to feel things. And sometimes I feel like maybe I just wasn't on the right medication. I may try again. Right now I'm decreasing my Effexor very very slowly, as I know this is one drug I will never again be willing to take. Thank you for thinking of me Susan.

PJ said: First of all - SO WELL WRITTEN!! I loved the analogies, great peice. Secondly, I TOTALLY get what you mean by all you said. I get you, girl!Thirdly, my advice. I know it feels very uncontrollable - like you have no choice but to open the door. And, even if you don't open it, the uninvited guests will find their way in around the cracks. So, to you I say, do your best to keep reality in focus. Write down what you need to (such as "my friends love me", "I am a great mom", "I am worth it", "I am God's beautifully created daughter and He longs to hold me in His arms") on paper and post it around your office, bedroom, wherever you need to so that you can read it and let it sink in. Ask God to help you absorb the truth. Let Him wrap His arms around you. Take some quiet time, a few minutes at a time if that's all you can get, to focus, breathe, and say a quick prayer. Do that for 5 minutes every hour if you need to.Take care. You are in my prayers. Take comfort in the fact the people are praying for you.

P.J. that is some awesome advice! And I'm so glad to hear you 'get me' you should get an award for that! ;) Keeping reality in focus.. yes, those words struck a cord. And taking a few minutes at a time. You are a wise woman, dear P.J. Thank you for those thoughtful and comforting words ;)

Clueless said: I love your writing. I hope you were able to take a stand and reclaim your turf today. I liked the attitude and the picture you paint with the way you write.

Well, Clueless, I'd love to say I reclaimed my turf, turned those leeches out on their keisters... but frankly I think they tired of me. And thank you for the compliment.

Naturalgal said: Coco,You will get better. Believe that. Time will make you better. Also there are things you can try.Give yourself lots of positive self talk.I used to be sooo envious of others. But often there is a pain in their life that you might not be aware of. I have found that out about many people who I envied.What do you like? Is there anything you like that is easy to do?Take your life 15 minutes at a time.

Naturalgal, that is so true about other people, and never really knowing what is going on with them. But somehow even with that I manage to turn it into something to envy. Until I round the corner into 'normal' thinking and wonder what the heck I was so envious of. Yes, 15 minutes at a time, that is such a good recommendation. Otherwise it gets so overwhelming.

Gianna said: hey Coco,I have all those feelings too, but unlike Susan, I don't think they define bipolar disorder because I really have no mania or the big classic symptoms of bipolar...but I have all the insecurities you're talking about here in spades...I think they are more related to trauma and difficult childhoods than bipolar per se, though anyone can have these kinds of feelings certainly those without bipolar disorder too...I haven't' read much of your blog but it seems that trauma is part of the problem---like it is for me?

Medication didn't make them go away for me. I find that allowing myself to feel them and not judge them helps. I also meditate profoundly on my feelings. They are remitting slowly.My next post which I'm not sure when I'm going to post because of the long weekend is about how I deal with my symptoms...I don't actually talk about the insecurity, mild paranoia and envy so much but I deal with those the same way...Maybe I'll made my post longer and talk about some of those too...I see those for myself as characterological issues...I know some people don;t like that, but I find it freeing because I can take responsibility for them that way...instead of feel like I'm swept by chemical stew. And like I said the drugs never made them go away...I'm actually dealing with them much better now...of course I don't know what the answer for you is.
You write about your experience here beautifully.
I hope you feel better soon.warmly,G

well, Coco,You did inspire the end of my post...I realize I may view my situation differently...I don't at all mean to impose my interpretation of similar feelings onto you.It will be posted in the next few days...I may take a couple days off for the holiday...or maybe not...not sure...again, your beautiful prose inspired me...thanks.

Dear Gianna, thank you for your kind words. Yes, I think trauma plays a pretty big role here. But that's where it gets confusing for me. Medication did 'work' for me in treating the depression for the past number of years, in that it took away the bad feelings. Now that i'm cycling, it's a whole new ball game, and i'm pretty confused. Maybe childhood trauma is what brings on bipolar for some people. Maybe if i deal with some of those issues I'll recover? Maybe I need to be medicated in order to deal with them. But I tried that, and I can't FEEL the things I need to feel in order to HEAL.... I'm so confused and frustrated! Thank you for providing me with inspiration and hope by relating your story and whats working for you, though. I realize you're not trying to tell anyone what to do, and I don't take it that way, but I find great comfort in your journey.

Amanda said:
I get those visitors too. I prefer the kid.

Oh, Lordy, me too Amanda ;), but the combination is the killer, wouldn't you say :s

Aqua said: God I hate having those unwelcome guests. I love your writing....aqua

Thanks Aqua!

Preciousrock said:
Dear Coco,I always see so much of myself in your posts. You have a beautiful, creative way of expressing yourself. One comment I would make on whether your symptoms are due to childhood trauma or mental illness, I think possibly both. I experience many of the same feelings as you do when I am unmedicated and during PMS week (!!!) and I had a relatively normal, uneventful childhood. My own uneven emotions, depression, fear, paranoia, etc. were my biggest childhood monsters.

Preciousrock, I'm learning so much, it's amazing. Through Jena and now you, I'm beginning to realize that this isn't solely about 'undealt with baggage'. I"ve just always assumed that it was. Thank you for sharing your thoughts, they mean a lot to me. And I often see me in your posts too! ;)

Stephany said: i definitely agree do not offer tea!

lol I didn't Stephany!

Jena said: hey just wanted to let you know my blog address changed, so you'll need to update your links- i'm still at blogger but my link is now jena-fun.blogspot.com :)

Thanks Jena, I've changed it. ;)

Susan said: Coco,You haven't posted recently, and I wanted to check in and make sure you're okay. Gianna just posted and mentioned your post. Thought it might make you feel better--if you're still feeling poorly.Susan

Susan, you are so sweet to check on me. I will now go to see Gianna. Thank you :)

Unwelcome Guests

'Teary' has come to visit today. And I'm trying to figure out who or what has sent out the invite. The virus? But that's all but passed now. A week of missed excersise? Seems unlikely. A missed Effexor dose yesterday? Possible.

When she pays her visits she almost always brings one of her side-kicks, Paranoia, along. I become convinced that certain people either hate me, or consider me worthless. I start to think that of myself. Even my children are not exempt from becoming the targets of this kind of thinking. I imagine that they prefer their father to me, that they just can't wait until it's their weekend with him.

Another tag-along, Envy, manages to squeak in before the door closes, causing feelings of inferiority. Where yesterday I might be happy to know someone possessing qualities I would like to foster in myself, today's visitors turn it aaaallll around. Suddenly I'm resentful of anyone who possesses these qualities. Namely, those who I see as popular, talkative, selfconfident, intelligent, skilled at writing, good at sports or anything physical, like dance, putting their education to good use, being creative, artistic..... the list goes on. They threaten me. I back away. Maybe because these are all latent, blocked qualitites in myself that are burning to be expressed? Sometimes I think so.

I remember having these feelings since kindergarten.

I think Childhood Trauma mailed the initial invitations.

So how can I be the worst hostess imaginable, so that these uninvited guests might take their leave asap? So that they won't get on the horn and invite even more friends... like Fear (who's rang already, but I refuse to give out the address). Or Severe Depression (whose stays are so bloody long and laborious). Do I just play the waiting game? Wait for them to tire of me, like they eventually do?

I want to be proactive.

I'm going to find a way of reclaiming my own space.

In the meantime, until I find the ultimate way of doing that, I'll try filling my space with as much light and positivity as I can. Pray. Open some windows. Breathe. And not offer any tea.

Presto Chango!

In regards to this business about the bipolar child/meds craziness, let me just say that superlagirl has been reading my mail! I couldn't have written a better post on what seem like my very own thoughts.

"You really want to improve the mental health of children? Stop demanding that they act like adults and stop driving their parents crazy"

Ha! Love it.
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Last post (was it just yesterday?) I was feeling like ripping my hair out from a few days of severe irritability. As we started out on the 2 hour journey for our overnight stay at friends, however, the strangest thing happened. We stopped by the Tim Horton's drivethrough for some doughnuts and coffee, and as I was about half done my coffee, and not even 20 minutes into the trip, I looked over at my hubby and said , 'This is it, I can feel the shift happening right now... you don't mind if I rearrange my purse do you?' And that was it. The billious bubble of bitchiness I couldn't seem to get out of just. simply. burst.

Was it the special blend of Timmy's coffee? The prospect of a visit with my dearest friend?, Some random shift in brain chemistry? Just what the heck WAS that? I've never had it happen so quickly and noticably before. I was so CONSCIOUS of the precise moment that particular cloud lifted. And it was actually quite exciting.

As was the remainder of the day which saw me escalating in mood higher and higher. Everything was amusing. I was witty, charming, CONFIDENT (something I struggle with oh so much), my kids and hers could do no wrong. What on earth had I been getting so bent out of shape about the last few days. Live, Love, Laugh!

And I think it would have lasted too, if I hadn't woken up with the stomach virus one of my friend's kids was getting over. So while I'm not back to the irritability that just passed, I'm subdued and feeling a need for space purely for physical reasons. Ah, so many factors come into play in this whole game of trying to figure out one's mind. It's fun trying though. Half of the time (haha, get it?)

And, related to nothing other than I wanted to mention this, I'll just say that I really loved P.J.'s latest post called 'Have You Ever?' And yes, P.J. that sounds very familiar. It's so hard to open up sometimes, and we just crave that encouragement, and also need to know that the person asking is really wanting to know the truthful answer. That we can trust them with those feelings we are longing to share. It's very lonely when I'm feeling that no one is truly interested. Thanks for mirroring mine and probably many others' feelings, and for sharing your heart. I think that's very comforting , just simply seeing your thoughts and feelings mirrored. It makes me feel much less alone.

feels like fingernails down a chalkboard

I'm cranky.
The past few days it's been escalating despite my best intentions. It feels like pms-cranky used to. My period ended last week, so no chance it's that. I looked back on my mood charts. Not much to look back on seeing as I started in April. However, I think I've noticed a pattern. It seems that a few days of irritability are preceding either a trip into happyland or hell. The last few times have been happyland. I'll take that, buy me a ticket! I'm keeping my fingers crossed. In the meantime I'm constantly reminding my family that I need a bit of space, that my brain is acting up again.... anything rather than them think it's them. Dear God, please don't let me be ruining my children.

Can I tell you how I went from charting-my-moods-whenever-I-happened-to-remember-and-often-losing-the-chartbook to.... this-is-fun-I-want-to-chart-every-day-and-I-can't-lose-it? Maybe you already know about it, but it's called Moodtracker.com It's free. I love it. I introduced Dr. G to it (my psychiatrist, and what's funny is that I've referred to him by that name over the years, even before the need for anonymity). Anyway, he seemed pretty impressed by it as it tracks a lot of factors in the mix, including: sleep hours, irritability, anxiety, menses etc. Did I mention that it's free?

Ok well, we're supposed to be going to my best friends today, she lives an hour and a half away in a lake-side community. Her kids & mine get along so well and I know mine are chomping at the bit to start getting ready. And a sleep-over to boot! Just try and peel them off the ceiling. The weather is georgeous too, should be a good day. I just hope I can keep these grumpies at bay and change the fact that every little thing seems to be grating on my very last nerve. Maybe I'll try meditating before we go. HA! Like that's going to happen. I hate feeling like this... it's just such a BITTER feeling. I've always found bitter people to be very unappealing. Good thing I've become an accomplished actress over the years.

It's a heart thing

Gianna spoke yesterday about a pain in her heart. At first I was worried for her... instantly thinking of an impending heart attack. But as I read on, a little light of recognition swtiched on:

"...it radiates out from my heart chakra into my whole being....Today I figure it out. And as I did the pain subsided some. It’s blocked spiritual energy. It’s the energy of the mania that was triggered by hallucinogens. It’s been stifled in me ever since I took the psych drugs. My mania was profoundly spiritual and legitimately so as far as I’m concerned. Now this feeling is all the joy and love and euphoria crammed down in my being asking to be released"

A light of recognition because, although I don't experience this sensation as actual pain, a 'heart feeling' has been on my mind a lot in the past year. Whenever I try to describe it in journalling, or to my husband, I say it's like a constant feeling of adrenaline... or like a feeling of humming in my chest. A 'revved up' feeling. It's often accompanied by irritability, and it is almost always when I am either hypomanic or about to switch into that phase. It's not a totally unpleasant feeling for me, rather one that's bothersome in that it's not easy to ignore.

Thinking that it might be 'blocked spiritual energy' makes a lot of sense to me. I did a fair amount of energy work when I went to a psychologist who specialized in Energy Psychology a few years ago before my divorce. I think I should revisit some of those techniques for keeping the energy flowing as it should.

Does anyone else out there experience odd sensations in their chest area?

Stay tuned for.. "As The List Grows"

Phew... I'm glad what I thought was the beginning of a journey 'dooowwwwn' was merely the effects of pms. I seem to have been in a state of 'normal' the past week or so, which suits me fine. (Ok, hypomania would be far better, lets face it :)

I feel slightly agitated today actually for reasons unknown. Just a bit panicky about all the things I think I have to do. I have an 'inside' to do list and an 'outside' one, and they just seem to be getting longer each day. With things getting crossed off too infrequently. And then there's all the 'daily' or 'normal' things that need to be kept up with, that too often prevent me from getting to the 'extra' stuff on the lists.

I find that sometimes all this will bother me greatly, and sometimes it's like water off a ducks back. It's during my hypomanias that I attack these lists with a vengeance.... get stuff accomplished, and feel great about it. And during depressions? Well I was going to say I couldn't care less about the state of undone tasks, but that's not really true... I think I care deeply, but am incapable of doing anything about it, so I take on it's weight of 'undoneness' along with the weight of everything else that's dragging me down. Right now it's more of a 'bugs under my skin' kind of bothering me.

And apparently I'm procrastinating.

Could it have something to do with the fact that as soon as I start something, some particular 3 year old will make demands for my attention. Getting her to 'help' with me works sometimes, but never for long, and she definitely hates me to get anything accomplished. And so it goes. Half-assed attempts at getting things done, and in the end, nothing much accomplished. In my good moments I just throw up my hands and move on to something she wants to do.... It's all about balance I know. Ideally I just dedicate an hour or 2 in the morning to getting stuff done and then devote the rest of the day to her. It doesn't always work out that way though. Then the kids arrive home off the bus, and that's the end of any productivity. Why do I care so much about being productive? Why do I feel like I'm in chains a lot of the time?

And then I start thinking of the things on the bigger to-do list. Like what to do with my life work-wise. I feel like such a failure sometimes. I've worked part-time at stupid little jobs during motherhood, but am currently not working. I have a bachelor's degree. And nothing to show for it. I'm doing my Bi 12 in case I want to go into nursing at some point. I think everyone thought I'd have some fabulous career by now. Instead I have 4 kids and a mood disorder. Yay Me.

Ok, Wow, this has turned into quite the pity party. But it felt good to get some of this out.

Now for some positivity and GRATITUDE!!

I'm grateful for my sweet 3 year old girl who is clever and has such an interest in nature & helps me to see the beauty in such simple, natural things. I love seeing life through her eyes!

I'm grateful for my 7yo boy... his tender heart...and the close attention he pays to detail, his real need to 'do things right' I respect him in so many ways, and can see the man of integrity he is going to be. (Just please. Stop picking your NOSE!)

I'm grateful for my sensitive 9yo girl. What a pureheart kind of gal. Her intuition has always astounded me... she just knows when someone needs a kind word or is silently hurting and in need of a warm body to snuggle.

I'm grateful for my getting-taller-than-me 14yo boy. I LOVE this guy. We've always been so close, and it's not changing a bit as he ages. I'm loving his interest in things of the mind.... how he wants to be a hypnotherapist.... his interest in reading books about the Law of Attraction... and his inclination to get me to read these things too. And I'm REALLY grateful that he loves him some TEA! He's always got the kettle on! (Just Please. Could you get up EARLIER than 5 minutes before we have to leave? And do you REALLY need to boss the others around so much? Just checking.)

Ok, and I'm also thankful for my dear husband who puts up with me with such Patience. And folds laundry so NEATLY. Seriously, it looks like he spent some time at Laundry Folding College or something, his skill is that great. I can't even come close to his skill.

And not lastly, (because I have so many other people and things to be grateful for), but lastly for now, I am grateful for my Mother. I think. ;) Ok, yes, yes I am. She is so very understanding of what I've been going through over the years and is dedicated to helping in whatever way she can. Although a bit panicky at times (and overbearing maybe a wee bit?). But I can't blame her. Her experience in matters of depression is tainted by my sister's suicide in the '80's. But that's another post.

Okay, I'm feeling a bit better! I'm going to go and vacuum my living room to reduce that creepy crawly feeling I have about it, and then take my girl for a little nature walk. And I will not feel like a failure, because I have a feeling that I'm a pretty big success in her eyes at least.

I'm Shrinking

When I was first diagnosed with major depression in 1994 (triggered by giving birth to my firstborn), I was living in a larger urban area, and was under the care of a psychiatrist for a few years. I felt properly supported and cared for. So when I went back to my GP after the bipolar diagnosis, I told him I would really be more comfortable being referred back to my original pdoc even though it's been over a decade, and is a 3 hour drive one way. I'm glad I did. To sum up how my day went I'm posting a letter I just sent a friend who was anxious to know how my day went.

Hi, everything went better than I expected yesterday, in that I was really nervous about it and wondered if he'd remember me even, and also was feeling kind of 'dumb' for wanting to go all the way there for a doctor's appointment. And also because I've been feeling 'normal' the last couple of days mood-wise I felt like I have been making mountains oout of molehills and that nothing is really wrong etc. I always do this. Basically I thought he'd look at me and wonder what the heck I was doing there and send me on my way. Maybe refer me to someone closer to home.

So needless to say, that's not how it went, thankfully. First of all he wasn't sure of anyone 'closer to home' and told me (what I suspected) that the area up here is quite underserviced for the population. So that part eased my mind. So basically if I want to be monitered properly in this I'll need to keep seeing him, which is kind of crazy (haha) seeing as it's quite a drive, but I'm thankful I at least have that option.

So after taking a few 'questionairre' type assessments and after hearing about things, he agreed with the diagnosis of bipolar II made by the pdoc up here. He said that especially if there's a genetic predispostion, then it's not uncommon for stress to cause depression to morph into bipolar. I told him about my hesitancy in taking any more meds and also wanting to decrease my effexor. He didn't say anything negative about that and didn't try to 'sell' me on the whole 'meds are what's going to work here' thing! I was really really encouraged by that. He gave me a couple of books to read on some new psychotherapy (talk therapy) technique and basically told me that before I go any further in decreasing my anti-depressant he's like to see me do some reading and basically have a firmer plan in place as far as what path I want to take. And he'd like to see me in 3-4 weeks.

So I'm feeling very optimistic about things. The books he gave me to read are written by a well-known doctor in the states which he's managed to convince to come and do a seminar here. So he's organized this workshop in June. It's for therapists and also for anyone interested. He gave me the brochure in case I was interested... it was kind of cute, he seemed pretty excited about it. (he's not the type that seems easy to get excited). Anyway, I doubt I'll end up going as it's a steeply priced affair, but you never know, after I read the books I might really want to go and will find a way. Regardless, I'm just glad that I finally feel some decent support.

So there we have it! We headed down around 11am, hit a few thrift stores along the way, and by the time all was said and done we only had about an hour to kill before my 4:00 appointment, so we parked at the office, and hung out in the nearby library there for a spell (exciting, I know, but the kids' section had toys!). Got home around 7:30 I guess, and Ray wasn't feeling well at all, so he's home sick from work today. Ok, well before this turns into war and peace THREE, I shall give you a break and sign off. I'll talk to you soon!! :)

fake it till ya make it?

I don't know if this is the right time to (re)start up this blog or not. I think I'm heading down again, and I worry that it will be a struggle to keep up. I guess I'll do what I can. Over on Jena 's blog (Every Moment Matters) she was talking about today's distractions and how they helped her out a bit today in taking her mind off her struggles for a while. I commented, saying I could relate to that, and found that sometimes when I actually force myself to rise to the occasion, it actually works in raising my mood. However, it seems to always be temporary. Whatever, temporary is good too. And come to think about it, it only works when I'm not to far gone down the spiral. Faking it just doesn't really enter into the picture after a certain point... it's almost impossible.

So today being Mother's Day, I'm glad I'm only mildly depressed. I was able to do a stellar job of faking it. Although the hypomania of the past few weeks would have suited me a lot better :). Regardless, I enjoyed brunch out with hubby, my parents and my youngest. Then went and picked up my older 3 from their Dad's (it's his weekend with them), and took them out to spend a few hours together. We stumbled upon a flea market which we mosied through, then went for an icecream from a little canteen on the oceanfront. It was all very nice.... they presented me with the fabulous cards and crafts from school, plus a beautiful bouquet of flowers that my ex must have helped them buy... I was touched.

The faking wore me out though... sometimes it's just so draining to pretend. The lift was very short-lived and came at a cost. It doesn't help that I've been up since 4:30am because I couldn't fall back asleep. I'm so hoping this is just a temporary set-back and isn't leading to a major spiral down. The thought sends sparks of panic zipping through me. I so hate the unpredictability of this ride I'm on.

Change of Focus

I'm changing the focus of this blog from 'record-keeping of kid stuff' to 'let's see if some blog-therapy will help with this whole bipolar curveball'. I didn't do so well at the record-keeping it seems anyway.



Also, in researching bipolar and coming across so many amazing people's blogs, I want to somehow reach out to others... to support and be supported. It's such a hard thing for me to do, but I think very necessary if I'm going to make any mileage on this so-called road to recovery. My ongoing battles with 'fear of rejection' rear up big time. But at the very least I can hopefully gain some benefit from the journalling aspect of this.

Yeah. I think I'm finally ready for this.