Stay tuned for.. "As The List Grows"

Phew... I'm glad what I thought was the beginning of a journey 'dooowwwwn' was merely the effects of pms. I seem to have been in a state of 'normal' the past week or so, which suits me fine. (Ok, hypomania would be far better, lets face it :)

I feel slightly agitated today actually for reasons unknown. Just a bit panicky about all the things I think I have to do. I have an 'inside' to do list and an 'outside' one, and they just seem to be getting longer each day. With things getting crossed off too infrequently. And then there's all the 'daily' or 'normal' things that need to be kept up with, that too often prevent me from getting to the 'extra' stuff on the lists.

I find that sometimes all this will bother me greatly, and sometimes it's like water off a ducks back. It's during my hypomanias that I attack these lists with a vengeance.... get stuff accomplished, and feel great about it. And during depressions? Well I was going to say I couldn't care less about the state of undone tasks, but that's not really true... I think I care deeply, but am incapable of doing anything about it, so I take on it's weight of 'undoneness' along with the weight of everything else that's dragging me down. Right now it's more of a 'bugs under my skin' kind of bothering me.

And apparently I'm procrastinating.

Could it have something to do with the fact that as soon as I start something, some particular 3 year old will make demands for my attention. Getting her to 'help' with me works sometimes, but never for long, and she definitely hates me to get anything accomplished. And so it goes. Half-assed attempts at getting things done, and in the end, nothing much accomplished. In my good moments I just throw up my hands and move on to something she wants to do.... It's all about balance I know. Ideally I just dedicate an hour or 2 in the morning to getting stuff done and then devote the rest of the day to her. It doesn't always work out that way though. Then the kids arrive home off the bus, and that's the end of any productivity. Why do I care so much about being productive? Why do I feel like I'm in chains a lot of the time?

And then I start thinking of the things on the bigger to-do list. Like what to do with my life work-wise. I feel like such a failure sometimes. I've worked part-time at stupid little jobs during motherhood, but am currently not working. I have a bachelor's degree. And nothing to show for it. I'm doing my Bi 12 in case I want to go into nursing at some point. I think everyone thought I'd have some fabulous career by now. Instead I have 4 kids and a mood disorder. Yay Me.

Ok, Wow, this has turned into quite the pity party. But it felt good to get some of this out.

Now for some positivity and GRATITUDE!!

I'm grateful for my sweet 3 year old girl who is clever and has such an interest in nature & helps me to see the beauty in such simple, natural things. I love seeing life through her eyes!

I'm grateful for my 7yo boy... his tender heart...and the close attention he pays to detail, his real need to 'do things right' I respect him in so many ways, and can see the man of integrity he is going to be. (Just please. Stop picking your NOSE!)

I'm grateful for my sensitive 9yo girl. What a pureheart kind of gal. Her intuition has always astounded me... she just knows when someone needs a kind word or is silently hurting and in need of a warm body to snuggle.

I'm grateful for my getting-taller-than-me 14yo boy. I LOVE this guy. We've always been so close, and it's not changing a bit as he ages. I'm loving his interest in things of the mind.... how he wants to be a hypnotherapist.... his interest in reading books about the Law of Attraction... and his inclination to get me to read these things too. And I'm REALLY grateful that he loves him some TEA! He's always got the kettle on! (Just Please. Could you get up EARLIER than 5 minutes before we have to leave? And do you REALLY need to boss the others around so much? Just checking.)

Ok, and I'm also thankful for my dear husband who puts up with me with such Patience. And folds laundry so NEATLY. Seriously, it looks like he spent some time at Laundry Folding College or something, his skill is that great. I can't even come close to his skill.

And not lastly, (because I have so many other people and things to be grateful for), but lastly for now, I am grateful for my Mother. I think. ;) Ok, yes, yes I am. She is so very understanding of what I've been going through over the years and is dedicated to helping in whatever way she can. Although a bit panicky at times (and overbearing maybe a wee bit?). But I can't blame her. Her experience in matters of depression is tainted by my sister's suicide in the '80's. But that's another post.

Okay, I'm feeling a bit better! I'm going to go and vacuum my living room to reduce that creepy crawly feeling I have about it, and then take my girl for a little nature walk. And I will not feel like a failure, because I have a feeling that I'm a pretty big success in her eyes at least.

I'm Shrinking

When I was first diagnosed with major depression in 1994 (triggered by giving birth to my firstborn), I was living in a larger urban area, and was under the care of a psychiatrist for a few years. I felt properly supported and cared for. So when I went back to my GP after the bipolar diagnosis, I told him I would really be more comfortable being referred back to my original pdoc even though it's been over a decade, and is a 3 hour drive one way. I'm glad I did. To sum up how my day went I'm posting a letter I just sent a friend who was anxious to know how my day went.

Hi, everything went better than I expected yesterday, in that I was really nervous about it and wondered if he'd remember me even, and also was feeling kind of 'dumb' for wanting to go all the way there for a doctor's appointment. And also because I've been feeling 'normal' the last couple of days mood-wise I felt like I have been making mountains oout of molehills and that nothing is really wrong etc. I always do this. Basically I thought he'd look at me and wonder what the heck I was doing there and send me on my way. Maybe refer me to someone closer to home.

So needless to say, that's not how it went, thankfully. First of all he wasn't sure of anyone 'closer to home' and told me (what I suspected) that the area up here is quite underserviced for the population. So that part eased my mind. So basically if I want to be monitered properly in this I'll need to keep seeing him, which is kind of crazy (haha) seeing as it's quite a drive, but I'm thankful I at least have that option.

So after taking a few 'questionairre' type assessments and after hearing about things, he agreed with the diagnosis of bipolar II made by the pdoc up here. He said that especially if there's a genetic predispostion, then it's not uncommon for stress to cause depression to morph into bipolar. I told him about my hesitancy in taking any more meds and also wanting to decrease my effexor. He didn't say anything negative about that and didn't try to 'sell' me on the whole 'meds are what's going to work here' thing! I was really really encouraged by that. He gave me a couple of books to read on some new psychotherapy (talk therapy) technique and basically told me that before I go any further in decreasing my anti-depressant he's like to see me do some reading and basically have a firmer plan in place as far as what path I want to take. And he'd like to see me in 3-4 weeks.

So I'm feeling very optimistic about things. The books he gave me to read are written by a well-known doctor in the states which he's managed to convince to come and do a seminar here. So he's organized this workshop in June. It's for therapists and also for anyone interested. He gave me the brochure in case I was interested... it was kind of cute, he seemed pretty excited about it. (he's not the type that seems easy to get excited). Anyway, I doubt I'll end up going as it's a steeply priced affair, but you never know, after I read the books I might really want to go and will find a way. Regardless, I'm just glad that I finally feel some decent support.

So there we have it! We headed down around 11am, hit a few thrift stores along the way, and by the time all was said and done we only had about an hour to kill before my 4:00 appointment, so we parked at the office, and hung out in the nearby library there for a spell (exciting, I know, but the kids' section had toys!). Got home around 7:30 I guess, and Ray wasn't feeling well at all, so he's home sick from work today. Ok, well before this turns into war and peace THREE, I shall give you a break and sign off. I'll talk to you soon!! :)

fake it till ya make it?

I don't know if this is the right time to (re)start up this blog or not. I think I'm heading down again, and I worry that it will be a struggle to keep up. I guess I'll do what I can. Over on Jena 's blog (Every Moment Matters) she was talking about today's distractions and how they helped her out a bit today in taking her mind off her struggles for a while. I commented, saying I could relate to that, and found that sometimes when I actually force myself to rise to the occasion, it actually works in raising my mood. However, it seems to always be temporary. Whatever, temporary is good too. And come to think about it, it only works when I'm not to far gone down the spiral. Faking it just doesn't really enter into the picture after a certain point... it's almost impossible.

So today being Mother's Day, I'm glad I'm only mildly depressed. I was able to do a stellar job of faking it. Although the hypomania of the past few weeks would have suited me a lot better :). Regardless, I enjoyed brunch out with hubby, my parents and my youngest. Then went and picked up my older 3 from their Dad's (it's his weekend with them), and took them out to spend a few hours together. We stumbled upon a flea market which we mosied through, then went for an icecream from a little canteen on the oceanfront. It was all very nice.... they presented me with the fabulous cards and crafts from school, plus a beautiful bouquet of flowers that my ex must have helped them buy... I was touched.

The faking wore me out though... sometimes it's just so draining to pretend. The lift was very short-lived and came at a cost. It doesn't help that I've been up since 4:30am because I couldn't fall back asleep. I'm so hoping this is just a temporary set-back and isn't leading to a major spiral down. The thought sends sparks of panic zipping through me. I so hate the unpredictability of this ride I'm on.

Change of Focus

I'm changing the focus of this blog from 'record-keeping of kid stuff' to 'let's see if some blog-therapy will help with this whole bipolar curveball'. I didn't do so well at the record-keeping it seems anyway.



Also, in researching bipolar and coming across so many amazing people's blogs, I want to somehow reach out to others... to support and be supported. It's such a hard thing for me to do, but I think very necessary if I'm going to make any mileage on this so-called road to recovery. My ongoing battles with 'fear of rejection' rear up big time. But at the very least I can hopefully gain some benefit from the journalling aspect of this.

Yeah. I think I'm finally ready for this.

the end of the chip clip...

Imagine

John Lennon died 27 years ago today. It's hard to imagine he would be 67 by now. As a teenager I listened to a lot of Beatles tunes... one of their tapes was often playing in my walkman... I would often lay in bed at night with them singing me to sleep. Yoko has written him the following letter:

December 8, 2007

I miss you, John. 27 years later, I still wish I could turn back the clock to the Summer of 1980. I remember everything - sharing our morning coffee, walking in the park together on a beautiful day, and seeing your hand stretched to mine - holding it, reassuring me that I shouldn't worry about anything because our life was good.

I had no idea that life was about to teach me the toughest lesson of all. I learned the intense pain of losing a loved one suddenly, without warning, and without having the time for a final hug and the chance to say, "I love you," for the last time. The pain and shock of that sudden loss is with me every moment of every day. When I touched John's side of our bed on the night of December 8th, 1980, I realized that it was still warm. That moment has haunted me for the past 27 years - and will stay with me forever.

Even harder for me is watching what was taken away from our beautiful boy, Sean. He lives in silent anger over not having his Dad, whom he loved so much, around to share his life with. I know we are not alone. Our pain is one shared by many other families who are suffering as the victims of senseless violence. This pain has to stop.

Let's not waste the lives of those we have lost. Let's, together, make the world a place of love and joy and not a place of fear and anger. This day of John's passing has become more and more important for so many people around the world as the day to remember his message of Peace and Love and to do what each of us can to work on healing this planet we cherish. Let's: Think Peace, Act Peace, and Spread Peace. John worked for it all his life. He said, "there's no problem, only solutions." Remember, we are all together. We can do it, we must. I love you!

Yoko Ono Lennon

Check out her website and the video of her and John here.... keep watching until the end so you don't miss his 'War is Over' Christmas video. His voice makes me feel so good. Even though you were before my time, I miss you too, John.

Peace

Dance Recital

Tasha (9) had her Christmas Dance Recital last night. She's in Modern this year, and she did awesome! It ended with a pyramid which MG was very proud to be at the top of with 'show off Lily' ;) I love those performances. Man was it long though. Her class was #10 out of 31 number. Wow. 2 and half hours. We could have sat through it no problem, but it was a bit hard on Daniel and Lulu, although overall they did really well, with a few excursions to the bathroom & water fountain. (Brandy & Jake stayed home). Their efforts were rewarded it turned out, as there was a surprise visit from Santa afterwards who handed out candycanes. Very Exciting. Plus the usual yummy spread of potluck offerings. It was a late but great night! Way to go Tasha, you're our dancing star :)

Snow Ball Fight (JibJab)

Ok, I seriously have to stop fooling around with these type of things! I just have a few more to make for friends/family, and then I swear I'm cutting myself off!

Non-Crappy Starring You! eCards on JibJab

Game - Elf Snowball Fight

More festive time-wasting fun!

Winterbells Bunny Game

Another one of those 'just one more try' online distractions from the "Festive, Fun & Cute" department. Thanks Carrie.